My battle x

I don't update this blog as often as I like. Life has its many twists and turns and is truely an emotional rollercoaster. As is my journey of motherhood-something I have always found difficulty with and have always been honest about. Needless to say, the last few days have been so very hard. On Friday, I think I reached a point where I couldn't take anymore. You know when you just get tired? Tired of suffering. Tired of everyone thinking you are always miserable. Tired of being tired. I could slowly see friends start to get fed up with me, talking to me less and less, making me realise that I wasn't a particularly positive happy person to be friends with. My fault? No, I've finally realised. It hasn't made it any easier though.

Depression makes you think negatively, obviously. You are consumed with self doubt, no self esteem, no ability to see the positives in life even when, like in my case, there are many. I think me, and so many others, wish that it was as simple as "snapping out of it" or "getting over it". I think, for me, that is the worst advice you could EVER give to someone suffering from depression. Cruel, actually. I also wish that some others wouldn't believe we are being selfish by being depressed, merely thinking of ourselves, wallowing in self pity. It doesn't work like that. We do not CHOOSE to feel this way. We envy those who can get through the day with a real smile and not constantly feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. Of course, many many people struggle with daily life-knowing you are all in this together has often provided me with some comfort.

I respect, with all my heart, those ladies AND men who fight this illness. I also ache for those who give up, and are critcised for being selfish. I have seen in the news, so many women who have suffered from PND, take their own lives as well as their children's. The same standard newspaper quotes, "she seemed happy with life". Us with depression are pros at acting like everything is ok. Don't just assume it is...please. I wish more than anything there was a little bit more openess and honesty about post natal depression and depression in general. People are scared, why? Fear of being judged. Fear of being branded "crazy." Well, hey, guess what, we're not! I don't care who knows my story, I'm not ashamed. I think anyone who meets me and Matilda would say, we are eachother's world.

Depression+motherhood is a tricky combination. On Friday I just felt like I had had enough. I felt like nothing I could do was right. I couldn't make Tilly stop crying. I couldn't make myself stop crying. In my head, I was telling myself "Tilly deserves a much better mother, not someone who is sad all the time"-what a morbid thought to have. When you look back at these events, you know that deep down you didn't really feel this way, it was the illness talking. Not the real you. But in that moment, you get so clouded with emotion you cannot think rationally. I felt very scared. I don't want to go overboard with details, but that day reached a crisis point which made me realise it cannot go on like this. I MADE myself go to the doctors. I MADE a stand, and finally, got what I needed. 

Will it work? Who knows. But what it taught me is that I must take a day at a time. I must stop beating myself up. I am not perfect. I do some things well and others not so much. For example, I'm a great friend. I'm a loving mother. I get things wrong. I sometimes let Tilly watch the tv for a little too long because I'm perhaps struggling to cope that day. I may give her a few many chocolate buttons because I just need some peace and quiet. But I love her and she loves me. THAT, in all the haze of fear, sadness, pain....is something I can and will always be certain of.  xxx

The best and worst things about having a toddler...

Best

You can actually ask them to do something and they may actually understand you and DO IT! Wow.

Worst

Mealtimes are always stressful and involve yoghurt in (your) face, tantrums, food chucked on the floor (10 second rule).

Best

The cuddles are somehow that extra bit special because they are more rare. 

Worst

Poo. Poo created from solid food. Nuff said.

Best

Playtime becomes more fun, if you start a game of peekaboo they'll know what's going on and the giggles that follow are heartwarming.

Worst

They think that mummy wants their chewed up saliva covered food and take great delight in spitting it out and placing it in your hand/hair/ear.

Best

You can give them things like chocolate and ice cream (and share them together...) and not feel so bad. All in moderation....

Worst

You end up accidently shoplifting on more than one occasion because your little darling decided to take a packet of smarties off the shelf and stick them in your bag. Whoops-may as well eat them.

Best

The affection that your little toddler shows is beyond compare. When they're upset and you know they want YOU to comfort them, nothing feels better.

 

Worst

Trying to get them to stay still for a photo is IMPOSSIBLE. Trying to get them to lie flat to change their nappy....unheard of. Suddenly changing a nappy standing up/squatting/upside down is a new skill to add to your mummy cv. 

Best

You can actually do some amazingly fun stuff together. Swimming, messy play, bouncing on a bouncy castle. Makes you feel young again.

Worst

Every toy has THE most fucking annoying tune playing from it. They'll know if you take the batteries out and it is suddenly "broken". Oh, they'll know.

Best

They actually start to say real words and when they call you mummy, it feels wonderful. 

Worst

Your little one suddenly likes television which means you spend your entire waking day singing children's tv show theme tunes in your head. If I have to hear the theme to balamory one more time....

Best

Clothes are that bit cooler and cuter for toddlers.

Worst

Dressing a newborn....5 minutes. Dressing a toddler...at least 40 minutes. I just love spending every morning chasing Matilda around her room, half her tights on, a top she is trying to lift back off her head and a nappy hanging off her bum.

xoxo

 

Feeding a fussy toddler...

It's pretty safe to say that Matilda is taking a LONG time to grasp the concept of solids and that food should be her main source of nutrition now she is one. She is still a milk monster and the process of decreasing her milk and increasing her food intake is a difficult process but one I'm aware is pretty common so at least we are not alone! I've learnt to adapt to Matilda's likes and dislikes over the past few months (which change ridiculously quickly) and try and open her up to new foods. Generally she does fine with breakfast but is always reluctant to try anything other than weetabix. Toast gets nibbled but then thrown on the floor (another lovely toddler trait) and porridge gets thrown in my face...lovely.

Lunch is sometimes a tricky one as I'm still trying to persist with cold finger foods. I read about the idea of Bento Boxes a few months ago and thought it would be a great thing to try for Matilda when she is a bit older. Inspired by Japanese food culture, bento boxes are a way of taking a variety of foods and presenting them in a way which is more inviting to the toddler. For example, if you see the picture below, the lunchbox is divided into sections, small portions, easily picked up with the hands. Realistically NO mum has time to sit and cut out star shaped sandwiches and carefully put fruit onto kebab sticks but I still think the general concept is great, especially for a packed lunch. I really like the idea of splitting the foods into small sections because it means each little tub can be taken out individually.

Generally Matilda has lunch at home but if we are going out I will put it all in a lunchbox. It's normally a mish mash of things because she is so damn fussy! For example sometimes she likes sandwiches, sometimes she doesn't. So sometimes I just give her some cheese spread on bread finger slices and that works. She'll always have a yoghurt and whilst I agree they are sugary, she has 1 a day and no other sweet things other than fruit.

 She has taken to liking cold pasta so sometimes she will have what is left over from my dinner the night before. She would eat cheese all day long if she could! She also loves cucumber slices and whilst they have no real nutritional value, they are basically just water, I don't see why she can't have a munch on them.

As I said Matilda is fussy. She, like any toddler, likes to nibble, throw food, spit it out...it is a test of patience for any mother. Over the last few months I have learnt some strategies to try and make meal times a slightly less stressful experience. Here goes...

1) Don't sweat the small stuff

If they don't eat much IT'S OKAY! The simple fact is, they will eat when they are hungry. If they throw your food on the floor, pick it up, keep calm and keep trying. If it fails after a few tries, move on.

2) Jars and pouches are GOOD

It really annoys me when people say using ready made jars and pouches for babies/toddlers is lazy. Erm, NO! There is nothing wrong with spending a little bit to have some put by for when is needed and they are so much more practical when out and about. I think baby food is so much better than it was for our generation, with the introduction of brands like Ella's Kitchen who do their best to make everything nice, healthy and organic. Sometimes, when you've had a tough day and your baby won't eat anything you make, a pouch of Ella's Kitchen chicken pie can save the day AND your sanity.

3) Eat with your child

It's always good to eat with your child-I find when Matilda sees me eating and we make a game of it, she tries more and therefore eats more...winner!

4) Quality NOT quantity

This doesn't need much explaining but it's a statement that was told to me and will always stick in my mind. It doesn't matter if your child eats small portions (some children, like Matilda are smaller for their age and don't need as much) as long as it's good quality, nutritional stuff.

5) Don't compare, whatever you do...DON'T COMPARE!

So easy to say, so hard to do. If you see your friend's baby wolfing down a spaghetti carbonara adult size and your baby is struggling to eat a piece of a cheese sandwich, DON'T COMPARE! All little ones are different, different apetites, different sizes just like us adults.

6) Don't stress about the mess

Like what I did there? Honestly, this is a piece of advice I need to take myself. Toddlers are messy. They will get yoghurt in their hair, cheese in their ears and good knows what is their nappies (once I found 2 crisps there). They are exploring and if you restrict them by going overboard to keep everything clean, then food isn't fun. Bringing food into play is a great idea because it means they associate it with something enjoyable. So for example, me and Tilly did some 'spaghetti play' last week, literally just put out a map, plonked a bowl of wet (not hot) spaghetti and let her go wild!

So, now after all of that, I'm off to take this advice and give Matilda her lunch...wish me luck! Just remember that you are doing a fab job no matter how much your child is eating. It's so easy to feel like a failure when you've prepared an awesome dinner only for it to end up on the walls...it's a learning process for both of you, let it be fun. xxx

A day in the life of Tilly!

Well I really need to update my blog a little more don't I? The past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of birthdays and parties....and cake! Our Matilda is now a whole one year old, considered by some as a toddler (although she is still a baby to me!) and as wonderful and energetic as ever. It was also my birthday last week and I turned the grand old age of 28. It was a lovely but quiet day, just what I needed after a busy week before organising everything for Matilda!

Currently, I am what is known as a "stay at home mum" which is a term I actually hate because we certainly never just STAY AT HOME! Me and Matilda are always busy bees and whilst I am eternally grateful that currently I don't have to work and I get to be with her all day, it is a full time job and I am sure all mothers, whether they work or not, would agree. Now Matilda is older, we have established a nice routine but as you may know, routines and toddlers don't always work in unison so there is many a day where it all goes, pardon my language, tits up. You just have to adapt though-today for example, we had to wake Matilda up at 8am. Meaning she didn't want her normal morning nap at 10am because she just wasn't tired enough. In fact she didn't go off to sleep until 11.30am, which means she should wake about 1pm-a very late lunch for her and means everything we planned has to be put back! Generally though, we do have what you would call a routine and it goes a little like this.

 7.30-8am

Now Matilda has one nap a day, this means she wakes later in the morning which is absolutely fine by us! Michael sets off for work at 8.10am, so I'm normally the one to bring her downstairs but often if it has been a rough night or I'm unwell, Michael will bring her down for a bit. We have some cuddles and then come downstairs for a bit of Milkshake on Channel 5 whilst we try and awake from our drowsiness. Tilly then normally has her brekkie at 8.30am, which normally consists of a whole weetabix although recently she has taken to throwing it all on the floor-cue dashing about to make her some toast. I normally have my breakfast once she has had hers whilst she is bopping about. She normally drinks a good few ounces of water too.

9-10am

I find this is the time Tilly gets the most out of her toys, currently she is into play food and likes to mess about. She likes looking at books and often has a little bop in her jumperoo which she still loves. Normally I have lots of opportunity to play with her although sometimes this hour I am busy doing 5 things at once like preparing her lunch, washing, etc.

10am

This is generally when Tilly naps and she normally has a milk feed (sometimes earlier) of about 5-6 ounces. Currently she has half and half whole milk mixed with growing up milk although soon we will be giving her completely whole milk. She normally takes a while to go off to sleep (with white noise) although occasionallu she surprises me and goes off instantly!

10-11.30am

This is when Tilly has her one and only nap so I fit everything into this 90 minutes. I shower, wash my hair, have a cup of tea and usually get a chance to catch up on Facebook and emails etc.  Sometimes she will only nap for an hour, depending on how she slept the night before!

11.30am-12

Once Tilly has woken, she normally drinks a few more ounces of water and we watch Tweenies together whilst we have lunch! At the moment, Tilly is being very fussy with her food but generally she will have snack things like this. She also has things like hummus and pitta, which she loves. Often 50% of her food ends up on the floor although my 10 second rule often applies and it goes back on the high chair tray....

12pm

Once lunch is over, we head out to do whatever we are doing. Around half 12, Tilly has a bit more milk which she tends to drink on our walk into town. She snacks on fruity puffs or mini rice cakes while we are out-cue major crumb issues in the buggy. It varies what we do day to day but often we do things like play dates, library, swimming and sometimes there are boring days where we need to get a food shop, go to the bank and post office. Currently we are exploring what soft play is available in the area! Which is lots of fun for Tilly! 

3pm

Normally this is when we head home because Tilly gets very tired. She has another milk feed again, normally about 6-7 ounces. SOMETIMES I try her for a nap but 95% of the time if fails and we give up after 20 minutes. She then normally has a snack at half 3 of some fruit...currently she is obsessed with strawberries! This tends to perk her up until bedtime.

3.30-5pm

Daddy gets home from work about 3.45 which I am so grateful for. Normally then it is play time for Tilly, sometimes we go out in her trike, we often have cbeebies on in the background so she can see some of her favourite shows.  

5pm

5pm is dinner time and normally when she eats the most. She will have some water with her dinner and has anything from jacket potato to cheesy pie to fish, curry...! Normally she gets super tired around half 5 but also gets cuddly and sometimes we all sit and watch wabuloo together at 6pm because this means it is bedtime and we all wind down. We have a little bedtime story before we go upstairs.

6pm-6.30pm

This is Tilly's bath time, a time she loves. She plays with her little duckies and LOVES having her two little teeth brushed. Me and Michael then put her in her pjs, she has some milk but normally only 3 ounces. We say goodnight and normally she goes off to sleep straight away.

6.30-10.30pm

Michael and I are extrememly lucky in that this is normally "our" couple time where Tilly doesn't tend to wake at all. It is wonderful.

10.30-11pm

Tilly normally wakes up and she has a bit of milk. I change her because normally she wees a ton, and then we have sleepy cuddles which is my favourite part of the day-it is blissful. I could happily sit there for hours with her nestled on my shoulder.

11.30

This is when I go to bed...boring fact.

5am

Tilly normally wakes for a feed and we are trying to take this away but currently she is having none of it!!

And once Tilly wakes around 8am...we are on to a new day! It may all seem pretty easy but it really isn't. I haven't mentioned the constant tantrums, tears, not wanting to sleep, not eating...everything that comes with having a toddler ;) BUT it is still the BEST job ever.
xoxo

My first year of motherhood...

I always wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember. I dreamt about having babies with the man I love, especially a little girl I could dress in pretty pink dresses and bows. My visions came true when I gave birth to Matilda on the 16th September 2013. I felt what I can only describe as a whirlwind of emotions. I was overwhelamed, happy but confused as to why I wasn't feeling the sorts of feelings I had read about in books. Instead I looked at this beautiful tiny baby in my arms and felt scared. Scared I would drop her, scared I wouldn't cope, scared I wouldn't be a good enough mother. I'd hope I would feel better once we got home. I googled it and spoke to my midwife but all I kept hearing was "baby blues" so I just accepted that that was what it was and I got on with it. However after 3 or 4 weeks, I still felt the same. I knew I loved my beautiful little girl but why did I still cry every day? Why did I just want to lock us away and not see anyone? Painting on a smile, especially via social media is easy. It felt like everyone around me was loving motherhood and then there was me, I wasn't enjoying it one bit.

It's hard to explain to someone who has never suffered from depression before. I spoke at length with my health visitor who, upon watching how I was with Matilda, confirmed to me that she didn't think I was suffering from post natal depression. Having already suffered from depression and anxiety before she born, her birth and the whole experience of having a newborn just made it go sky high. I was turned down for counselling because of my health visitor's analysis that was bond with Matilda is so strong. Wrong, I think you'd agree as depression when having a baby is so much more than bonds or relationships, often it is just about YOU and how you deal with every day life.

After 2 or 3 months I started to realise (and this may sound strange) that I was a mum. Until then I just felt like I was floating by within a black cloud with no clue as to what was going on. Once she hit 4 months and was smiling and began to play, I found myself wanting to do things with her. I didn't need to force myself out of bed like I did in the early days. It still was tough, it STILL is tough even one year on. However something clicked, I don't know when. Tilly started calling me mama. She started sleeping better and eating better. When I wasn't with her, my heart ached because I missed her so much. I felt a love like I had never experienced before. If I could do anything, I just wish I could go back in time and tell the me from a year ago that it WILL get easier. I never believed anyone who told me that. I'd laugh to myself and say, "It won't, it's always going to be this way."

I think, once you accept that you can no longer be selfish, your emotions don't always come first and there is a small being who should always be top priority, things get a little easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I still get days when I don't enjoy being a mother. I count down the hours to Tilly's bedtime because I just desperately need a moment to breath. I think most mums feel the same, even if they don't admit it. I also realised that mums lie! The mums who say their babies sleep through the night and are perfectly happy, never cry....they are probably fibbing. You can't compare yourself to others. That is one of the biggest mistakes you can make-as long as you remember your baby, your child, loves YOU no matter what. Unconditonally-whether you suffer from depression or not. That's what always keeps me going.

This has been the hardest yet most amazing year and I'm so proud of Matilda and what she has achieved and the bright little lady she has already become in just a year. She has shown me that life is worth living, it is worth getting out of bed each day just to see that smile. Never give up xxx

The power of online friendships

I'm not ashamed to say the majority of my friends are online. Many I've met and many I've known for years and years but still haven't been lucky enough to see in person. 15 years ago the internet barely existed for social networking purposes and instead we had to all make do with the old school method of writing a letter to a penpal. Writing a letter really shouldn't be considered old fashioned, but still. I remember my first ever pen pal, an American girl a few years older than me called Eva. We met on holiday in the mid 90s and vowed to stay in touch. And we did, for a few years, however the letters became further and further apart and eventually they just stopped. I always wonder what happened to Eva, my first ever pen friend, did she ever think of me? Would we ever meet again? I didn't dwell for long and soon I made more friends online, via the new craze of yahoo user groups. With our mutual love of a certain ITV show involving firefighters, we started chatting and began an internet/penpal friendship-funnily enough we still talk now and sometimes keep in touch, 14 years on. 

As the years went by and my interests changed, I made new friends online all the time. Online friendships were great for a teenager like me, so shy and so insecure. I could hid behind my computer screen and pretend to be outgoing and confident. I still sometimes feel like that now, at the grand age of 27. People found me funny, they actually liked me. I hadn't felt that feeling for a long time. I was lucky enough that these friendships turned into more and by the the age of 18, we met so regularly it felt like they were close by, even though physically we were in different parts of the country. These friendships, formed online and by a mutual love of someone, were sometimes mocked for not being real. But how can that be? We shared tears, laughs, sad times, happy times. We felt so comfortable in eachothers company. They were real friends to me. And just like friendships you don't make online, you drift apart as life takes you in different places, but you still often think of them. They still had an important place in your life and mean something to you.

Around January 2013, just after I found out I was pregnant, I joined a facebook group for mums due in September 2013. Initially I didn't think much of it, I wanted to be in the background and be quiet and I simply just liked to browse. Occasionally I would put up a post moaning about swollen feet but that was it. Around this time last year however, I put myself out there and decided to talk more to people. It turned out the be one of the best things I ever did. These women, around a group of 100 or so, have become my lifelong friends. We shared the latter part of our pregnancies together, many painful and stressful moments were brought to the surface but we helped eachother through. I felt, and still always do feel, that people care about me and Tilly. As time went on and I gave birth to Tilly, we all shared our precious and most stressful newborn moments.

 Pictures, so many beautiful pictures were shared and I felt like, for the first time ever, I truely belonged. During the early days of motherhood, I felt so down and scared. However thanks to these women, I never felt alone. Any time of day or night, there was something there to say "everything will be okay" and that is what is so special about this group. Now, with our babies about to turn one, we are closer than ever. I can truely count these woman amongst my close friends, I know that I will never be let down and that I will always have someone I can turn to or share a difficult moment with. These friendships have even progressed and I've met some in "real life!" At the start of May, some beautiful ladies organised a hen day for me and two of them even came to my wedding. If that is not true, genuine friendship then I don't know what is. 

I hope each and every one of you know how much you mean to me and how grateful I am to have you all in our lives. I know in my heart that we will always be in our special September mummies bubble and that makes me so happy. I love you all like family. So here is to the power of online friendships....you rock. Xoxo

The less you care, the happier you'll be x

This week has been a week of reflections. Taking a look at myself, why I think the way I do and what is truly holding me back from being happy. Someone once said, "Depression is not a flaw in character but in chemistry" and no other quote could be more appropriate for me this week. No one choses to be depressed but I can choose to feel better. In essence, a part of me will always feel "low" because sometimes no matter how much medication you take or counselling you have, there is something on your chemistry that you just cannot change. What needs to be done is to accept that it is there but it doesn't define you. It can be in the background and sure, it may surface sometimes but it will go away again. 

I've found myself trying to appreciate the small every day "ordinary" things rather than dwelling on negatives, whose let me down and stopped asking myself questions like, "Why is this happening to me?" And feeling self pity. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to feel sorry for yourself, I've done it on so many occasions but sometimes you need to take a step back and look at all that is good in your life. Everyone has something, whether that be an amazing talent, job, partner, mother, friend, father, child, home....I'm lucky to have many of those. So what are these every day ordinary things? For me, it is seeing the smile on my daughters face. For every smile she gives me, I get a boost which keeps me going. Even better when it is me who put it there. Or when something just goes my way. A sweet text from my husband. A funny tv show, an amazing piece of chocolate cake. I love these things. 

Another quote I love is "the less you care, the happier you'll be" which is exactly the frame of mind I need to be having. Since having Matilda especially, friends have come and gone and I've spent too much time reflecting and worrying and feeling upset. Instead I should be moving on, realising that obviously they are the ones with the problem and they are missing out on being my friend. Likewise, I've had so many family members let me down, surprisingly since Matilda was born. So many words but no actions but who cares? They sure don't. So I've finally moved on, I've missed out on nothing. They, on the other hand, have missed seeing me get married, seeing a beautiful baby grow into the most special little girl. I get to have all these things. And I get to have people there who truly love and care about us. I've made some amazing new friends in the past year, who've made me realise what true friendship means.

So, having done my reflection, now it's time to keep going and keep strong. Not expecting too much is key, I know I will have bad days. I know I will have days where I want to cry, scream, shout because everything is just too hard. But as long as I can sit down at the end of the day and say "I made it through, tomorrow will be better" then I'm doing it right. Xxx

I love her...

I love her because she laughs and smiles at the silliest of things but hearing that laugh just fills me with so much joy.

I love her because she can find so much fun in something so simple.

I love her because when she is tired she lets me cuddle her, a real proper cuddle and when she nestles her head into to my shoulder I feel so wanted and loved.

I love her because she is so small and sometimes when I hold her in my arms, I can close my eyes and just for a second, it feels like she is a newborn again.

I love how she gets so excited about bath time, kicking her legs and beaming from ear to ear.

I love her because she listens and she never judges, even though she hasn't a clue what I'm saying.

I love how I can be horrible, moody, grouchy with her and yet she always forgives me.

I love the way she wants to do everything herself, even though she hasn't quite got there yet.

I love how everywhere I go, people stop to say how beautiful she is, it makes me feel so proud.

I love how when I blow her kisses, she blows them back.

I love her because even at 5am, she can be so full of fun and joy and even though I may not feel the same, it is wonderful to see.

I love how the first word she said was mamma and when she says it, she looks so happy.

I love how quiet and peaceful she is during our dream feed, sometimes I sit there with her lying on me and it feels like we are the only two people in the whole world.

I love how her eyes light up when her favourite characters come on the TV.

I love how when I'm sad, all she had to do is smile and I feel like I can keep going.

I love the way she sleeps on her tummy with her head to the side, just like me.

I love that every morning when I wake up, I see her face through the cot bars and she pops her head up, always making me laugh.

I love how when she looks up at me, her eyes are filled with so much love for me, her mother.

I love her because she loves me unconditionally. Flaws and all.

I love her because she is my Tilly. So perfect and so precious.

We're moving!

For the past few weeks, Michael and I have been flat hunting and we've found somewhere, yay! Currently we live with my mum, in fact I've always lived with my mum so moving out will be a big step for me. But now being a mother and a married woman, I'm excited to have my own home and for Tilly to have her own nursery! Me and my mum are very close so I will miss her lots but thankfully we are only moving about 30-40 minutes away. Finding something affordable in SW London has been really difficult, I've seen prices sky rocket in the past year and now, in our area, it can cost at least £1,400 a month for a 2 bedroom flat. 

So we decided to look in cheaper (but still nice) areas that are more on the outskirts and New Malden really appealed to us. It's close enough to get one bus to my work, my mum and Tilly's nursery but also easier for Michael to get to work too. It's not the most "buzzing" or trendiest of areas but to be honest, that is not us. New Malden has great shops, excellent schools, nice playgrounds, a train station which links to Clapham Junction and Waterloo....oh and a giant Krispy Kreme (that's not the reason we are moving here....honest). 

We've now put the deposit down on the flat and it is really nice. It's in a great location only 5-10 minutes from the centre of town and is in a nice, clean, friendly looking block-rather different to where I am now! We loved the size of the living room and the bedrooms and good storage with our own garage and loft. Also what sold it for us were the communal gardens which are beautiful and very large. So lots of space for Tilly to play and to have picnics etc! I am so excited! 

Now I have lots of ideas for decoration, I already have a lot of stuff but now Tilly has her own room, I can really get creative! We also have our own balcony so it would be nice to have a table and chairs and plants outside. We move on on the 9th August and three weeks later I am back to work and my maternity leave is officially over. I honestly can't believe it has gone so fast but thankfully it is mornings only so I get to be with Tilly all afternoon. I will miss her and I won't lie, I'm not looking forward to going back and I'm very anxious. However the move will take my mind off everything! We are really lucky to have help with the move so hopefully it will be stress free. Then the Dommett household will be complete :) xoxo

A married woman...

Well I've officially been married nearly 2 weeks. To say the day went well is an understatement. I never expected it to go smoothly, I thought I would be stressed, overwhelmed and it would pour with rain. Well, actually it DID pour but I didn't let that ruin it for me one bit. It's true what I was told, I was so wrapped up on how wonderful the day was that I didn't even notice and I actually remembered (god knows how) to bring a pretty white umbrella with me for any outside photos.

I remember feeling incredibly nervous, waiting for Michael outside the registry office. I really wanted him to think I looked beautiful. When I saw him come around the corner, his face lit up and I couldn't believe how handsome he looked in his suit. Thankfully, Michael thought I looked wonderful so it was a job well done and we made our way to the waiting room whilst the anxiety built up. When it was just us outside the room, everyone waiting for us, it hit me that we were about to become husband and wife. 

I'd been waiting for this moment for so many years and I wanted to slow time down. I wanted that moment, where everyone watched us declare our love to eachother, to last forever. Hearing that we were officially married and Michael's arms scooping me into a giant bear hug was a moment of pure and utter happiness. It was his way of saying, we are in this together, whatever life throws at us. As I read a poem I had selected (and it took me a long time to find the perfect one) to Michael, I tried to force myself not to cry but I couldn't help it. The poem said everything I had always wanted to say to the man who had saved me, made me a better person and I wanted to thank him in front of everybody. We exchanged rings and we kissed and we did the traditional walking out to confetti being thrown at us. It was simple and unfancy but a fairytale to me. 

The reception was just what we wanted, not too over the top, amazing food and people we cared about under one roof. We kept things as simple and as cheap as we could but making sure everyone was happy, had someone to talk to and lots of cake to eat. I honestly had one of the best days of my life and I'm sure Michael would say the same. I just love being Mrs Dommett and to have our darling Matilda there, as part of the memories....the photos, everything....well it just confirmed the reason why we always wanted a child first before we got married. Michael and I are not one for tradition anyway!

And all of this was done so incredibly cheaply. I'm sure Michael won't mind me saying that pretty much most of the organisation was down to me. It took a lot of research, knowing kind people, simplifying everything to make it work. We have little money but yet we still had the perfect day. I had many people ask me how we did it on such a low budget....well would you like to know?

Over the next few blog posts I'm going to talk about how we managed to have a lovely wedding day for under 1k hopefully encouraging those who want to get married but think they can't afford it! Don't get me wrong though, we wouldn't have been able to do this without a lot of genoristy from family and friends so having a network of people around you is always massively helpful.

The Dress

I always knew I wouldn't be able to get an expensive dress. I ummed and ahhhed at so many dresses, returning, buying, returning again. I had a maximum budget of £150 so I took to websites such as Ebay, Amazon and high street stores. Personally, for me, I didn't want to use a company in China because no matter how cheap, I couldn't guarantee the size and style would be what I wanted and I wasn't willing to take the risk. However it can be an amazingly cheap way of getting a dress but shop around in High Street stores first because there can be some great bargains.

 In the end I went for the Sofia Dress from BHS which cost £100 and it really is exactly what I wanted....classy, simply, vintage lace style. I found BHS and Debenhams to be of the most value and you can get dresses for as little as £80. If you can afford a little more, say £300+ then shops such as Coast, Monsoon and Phase Eight are fantastic. Also a few times a year, stores have sales-sign up to mailing lists so you know straight away. I got so many compliments on my dress and it made me feel special but also comfortable, that is what you need to look for.

The flowers

 To save money I went for artifical flowers rather than fresh. Also the venue we booked had fresh flowers on the day. We also used artifical flowers for the wedding reception too (from good old poundland) and they cost around £8. This beautiful bouquet I bought from a company on Ebay, they were £15 and I think they are stunning plus the benefit is I can keep them forever as a momento. 

The ring

This was probably one of the least important things to do us, because at the end of the day I believe as long as the ring feels and looks right, it doesn't matter how many diamonds or how expensive it is. I decided to go against the norm and not get a traditional band. I wanted something a little different and for excellent cheap prices, both Michael and I went for Amazon. My ring, which is 9 carat gold was the grand total of £40 but to me, it means a lot because of the three hearts representing me Michael and Matilda. To save money I'd also suggest websites such as Etsy or Ebay although it does help to obviously try on a ring first. That's why I chose Amazon as they have such an easy return service. Also there are second hand jewellery shops everywhere so you can see them for yourself.

The cake

Again, to save money, me and Michael decided to not go for a traditional wedding cake. We decided to get gorgeous big gateaux cakes instead and two large ones cost us £70 and they went down well. They were absolutely delicious and there was lots left over (urmmm may have helped finish that off). We bought them from a chain of shops from Patesserie Valerie, who also do reasonably priced wedding cakes too. We decided to also have a plain sponge to put our cake topper in (which was £10 from Ebay) so that anyone who didn't like the gateaux could have something plainer!

Stay tuned for more wedding saving tips and mummy posts :) xoxo

10 really disgusting things only us mummies will do...

Now let's not deny it. Being a mummy is a messy job. It involves a copious amount of poo, wee, sick and god knows how many other fluids. So I decided to put a list together of all the things we do on a daily basis which would be considered disgusting by many. Even so, I bet we'd all say we wouldn't have it any other way :) 

1) Pick out bogeys from our babies' noses with our bare hands

Honestly, there is a real sense of satisfaction when your baby has a clear nose all because of you. Until a few hours later when they suddenly reappear. 

2) Sniff your baby's bottom, wherever you are, even in public.

You've been there. You've just started your rounds in the supermarket. You catch a whiff of something which you pray is the contents of the baby's nappy in the trolley opposite you and not your own. You do the subtle sniff around the baby's nappy area to check. Let's be honest though, sometimes we have to lift our baby right up and out of the trolley and take in a big sniff just to be sure.

3) Everything becomes about poo. 

You go out on a baby free evening with your friends but 10 minutes in you are discussing poo over your curry including the smell, texture and size. Much to the disgust of the poor young couple who are trying to enjoy their date night across the table.

4) You have, on many occasions, gone to the toilet with your baby watching. 

Sometimes you have no choice. Sometimes when your baby is attached to you all day and you just can't hold on anymore, you stick them in a bouncer/bumbo/sling/ lap and finally let go. RELIEF.

5) You use words like poonami and jumperpoo but then you realised you are talking to your non mummy friends and they look at you like you are a freak.

When you become a mother, you take on a whole new language. Often you'll be chatting to a non mummy friend and realise you've been talking about how it took 30 minutes to clean up your baby's "poonami" they did in the jumperoo ( yes because they'll know exactly what that is....) Fun times for them.

6) Catching your baby's sick in your hands/mouth.

Sometimes it is unexpected. Sometimes you do it just to prevent a giant stain on the carpet. Either way, we've all done it at least once. I can actually say, unfortunately, I once had to catch diarrhoea in my hand. The fact I was trying to save my favourite dress is beside the point.

7) You wash with baby wipes and wear old clothes because you just can't be arsed.

Sometimes having a shower or bath is a complete luxury, especially with a newborn. Often a quick wash down with baby wipes is all you can manage. Sometimes you realise your leggings still have sick marks from yesterday on but you just don't have the energy to wash them. Don't be ashamed. You are not alone.

8) You've widened the boundaries when it comes to hygiene. Whoops.

You drop a dummy on the floor, give it a quick wipe and back to your baby. You drop a piece of toast on the floor, but you apply the 20 second rule. Don't deny it.

9) You do to your baby what you HATED being done to you as a child. 

You see a mark on your baby's face, you spit on your finger and wipe it off. And you won't stop until that damn mark gets off.

10) You've had pee, poo and purée over your bed sheets, yet you still don't change them. A baby wipes cures all and then it's good to go.

The reality of motherhood

Wednesday morning, 5am and Tilly wakes for a feed. I give her her a bottle, some cuddles and change her nappy and put her back down. She smiles at me and I know the look on her face means she doesn't want to go back to sleep. But mummy is tired. I couldn't sleep before she woke and some how I am expecting her to understand this. I put on white noise and I think she is drifting off, I feel a huge sense of relief that I may just get a little more sleep. I am oh so tired. When I'm very tired, my depression and anxiety is at it's worst it almost determines whether it is a good or bad day. But Tilly won't sleep and she cries. I pick her up and rock her and she is fine. So I put her back down and she cries. I leave her for a bit and lie wondering whether I should just give in and except that we are up for the day. But I am so tired. I don't want to play. She cries even more and I can't bear her being upset and so I pick her up. I brush her hair with my hand and stroke her cheeks, she looks like she is falling asleep. It's now 6am and I put her down, hoping to get at least another hours sleep. But Tilly doesn't want to. Why can't I just get up? The cries get even louder and bury my head under the covers and start crying. Questions running through my head, why won't she sleep? How can I do this? I feel helpless and pathetic that I struggle so much with moments like this. Her cries wake everyone up and my mum takes Tilly downstairs so I can get more sleep. She is such an amazing help. But I just want to cry, sob, scream. I feel like I'm not cut out to be a mother, I'm rubbish. I should be strong, I should be able to handle an early start. Some crying, a bit of screaming. Michael holds me close and tells me it's okay. I regroup my thoughts and after a bit more sleep, I realise that I can make it through the day. I go downstairs and I'm greeted with the biggest smile for mummy ever. We ended up having a really nice day. I put my smiles and happiness on for Tilly but really I should be doing it for myself too.

Don't get me wrong, extreme moments of stress like this don't happen that often but there is a moment in everyday where I feel a pang of self doubt and I know that must be common amongst many mothers. Truth is, parenthood is even more harder but even more amazing than I ever expected. With the extreme highs, come the extreme lows. You can have a great day followed by a shit one. You think you've cracked a great sleeping pattern and boom it all changes and your baby is screaming through the night. But then you'll have the best day. Your baby says mama, she laughs, you read books, she learns something new, she reaches for you. All things that feel you with so much love that all the hard moments get forgotten. But it is so hard because even when you have people around you (I'm incredibly lucky to have so much support) you still feel alone. You see mothers who seem have it all figured out (they probably don't) and you feel guilty for sometimes feeling selfish and wanting time to yourself. To go to the cinema or go shopping or even go to the toilet in peace! But those are the sacrifices you make. In return you get the most incredible reward. I get Tilly. But that doesn't mean I should beat myself up because sometimes I miss having no responsibilities. Sometimes I miss my sense of self because that can really get lost when you become a mother (and father). You are no longer you and in some ways, especially for the first few months of a baby's life, you are a machine. You go through the process again and again and sometimes it feels like it never gets any easier. 

As I said, parenthood is all about extreme highs and lows. Unfortunately some of us feel the lows more than others. On reflection, I don't think that makes you any less of a good mum. When I once told someone I was depressed and finding motherhood hard, the response was "It's ok you don't have to be ashamed." I personally found that quite patronising. Why would I be ashamed? So many mothers (and again please let's not forget that fathers get depression too) are too afraid to admit they are unhappy because they somehow feel like they will be judged. I wish more people could be open about how they feel and realise it's ok-motherhood is not a glossy "everything goes perfectly smooth" job. It's not like what you see in adverts. Like I said in my last post, it's ok not to be ok. 

Truth is though, you DO need to get help. Denying how you feel is what makes it so hard. Pushing it away, no! Never good. Facing how you feel is the first step, telling someone you are not coping, anyone. For me, I have found support in my family and in particular one friend, who spent days sending me videos to get me through, she would take the time to listen to my thoughts, no matter how dark. You will not get judged, you will just get better. Whether that is with the help of a support group, medication, counselling-if you are doing something to make yourself stronger then you are going in the right direction. When you do find help, you appreciate those special moments with your baby so much more. You can take pleasure in small things and not dwell so much on the hard moments. I wouldn't change my relationship with Matilda for the world, she is my life and I feel blessed on a daily basis that she is my Tilly Bear and I'm her mama. But when we have another baby, I now know (and it would be silly of me to deny it) that I may feel the same again. However, with experience comes knowledge of how to cope. So it will be easier, it already is easier. Just a note to anyone struggling but too scared to say, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You can get through this. X

It's ok...

It's ok to give up breastfeeding, when you've tried everything you possibly could to make it work.

It's ok to choose not to breastfeed, because it's just something you don't want to do.

It's ok to give your baby formula, when you see your baby is happy and healthy and you feel sane, you know you made the right choice.

It's ok to feel angry, cry, bury your head under the covers when your baby just won't sleep.

It's ok to leave them to cry when you can't cope and then pick them up and cuddle them with all your might because you feel so incredibly guilty.

It's ok to hold your baby as much as you want, you won't spoil them.

It's ok to say to your baby, "Why won't you just sleep!" Because you know you are only saying it out of pure exhaustion and emotion.

It's ok to have moments where you miss your old life, your freedom, because as soon as your baby smiles up at you, you remember it truly is all worth it.

It's ok to tell people you are "fine" when inside you feel shockingly bad.

It's ok to hate the woman at the baby group who says her little one sleeps through the night, secretly you are glad because it means you get extra cuddles.

It's ok not to enjoy motherhood sometimes and to feel frustrated when nothing you do seems right.

It's ok to tell your baby you love them, constantly, they may not understand the words but they will see it in your eyes.

It's ok to stay in for days on end because you can't face seeing other people, let alone the smug mums who seem to have it all figured out.

It's ok to let your baby see you cry. It won't damage them, you are human and some days, you just can't hold it in anymore.

It's ok to not feel that instant rush of love when your baby is born, life isn't always like how we read in books or see on TV.

It's ok to "wash" with baby wipes because you are just too tired and can't be bothered that day.

It's ok to do things your way, because you know your baby like no other.

It's ok to put on baby tv just so you can have a cup of tea and a moment's peace.

It's ok to eat chocolate at 5am because your baby has already been up an hour and you just need some damn sugar.

It's ok to lay your baby next to you in bed because selfishly you just want more cuddles and more sleep.

It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to always be happy. You love your baby more than life itself and that is all that matters. Xoxo

I'm getting married next MONTH!

A bit more of a lighthearted post this time. I literally can't believe the time is almost here to get married to Michael and I still feel like there is so much to do and lots of small details to finalise. I'm so nervous because I feel like I'm forgetting something and the only way I can cope is to continually write lists. My mum had a great idea to write a list for something small for me to do each day and then tick it off when I've done it. If I'm honest I've pretty much planned the whole wedding myself, granted Michael has offered help here and there but he has left it mostly up to me and I'm fine with that because it's so fun (although a little stressful whilst looking after Matilda too! ) but here are my plans for this week....

Monday: Finalise and check over wedding music playlist. I need to make sure we have a good variety of music on there but also that we have our first dance song ready. This shouldn't take me long as most of the music is all ready to just go.

Tuesday: Finish favours. I keep thinking my favours are rubbish but I've left it too late to change so I need to finish putting the chocolates in bags and tieing the ribbons around them.

Wednesday: I need to sort out my eyes today, I want to wear contacts when I get married so I am going to the opticians to sort out options. In the evening I want to look at what I want to do with my hair and try out the style I want.

Thursday: Today I need to sort out what I'm putting the children's favours in and make sure they are all finished.

Friday: Today I want to think carefully about my make up and whether I need to buy any for the wedding. I'm just going for what I normally wear, some foundation, blusher, a light grey eyeshadow and mascara. I would like to try out some different lipsticks and see which I like.

Saturday: Today I want to try on my outfit again and make sure I am happy with what I am wearing. I am going to get my mum to check everything over to see if it all looks okay.

Sunday: Today I want to finalise all the food orders and send them to the pub where we are having our reception. I also want to finalise the decisions with Michael regarding our cakes (we are going for Patessierie Valerie) and also choose a cake topper for our cakes.

That's generally the last bits and bobs to do and I probably won't do all of them this week but that's the plan! I still can't believe we have done it all for under 1k! I also need to start planning for our honeymoon/first family holiday. The day after we get married we are going to the Isle of Wight for 5 days and I'm super excited! I need to have lots of lists for what to bring for Matilda as we have to pack as lightly as possible as we will also have the buggy with us. We've booked the travel and the hotels (we are staying in Sandown and Shanklin) and I want to get some holiday clothes if money allows. It's such a busy month but so much to look forward to. I also have my hen day arranged by my super wonderful mummy friends in less than 2 weeks! I have no idea what is happening (despite constant begging) and I'm so excited to meet some of them for the first time and to have a baby free, fun day just for me. Bring it on!!!! 

Xoxo