10 really disgusting things only us mummies will do...

Now let's not deny it. Being a mummy is a messy job. It involves a copious amount of poo, wee, sick and god knows how many other fluids. So I decided to put a list together of all the things we do on a daily basis which would be considered disgusting by many. Even so, I bet we'd all say we wouldn't have it any other way :) 

1) Pick out bogeys from our babies' noses with our bare hands

Honestly, there is a real sense of satisfaction when your baby has a clear nose all because of you. Until a few hours later when they suddenly reappear. 

2) Sniff your baby's bottom, wherever you are, even in public.

You've been there. You've just started your rounds in the supermarket. You catch a whiff of something which you pray is the contents of the baby's nappy in the trolley opposite you and not your own. You do the subtle sniff around the baby's nappy area to check. Let's be honest though, sometimes we have to lift our baby right up and out of the trolley and take in a big sniff just to be sure.

3) Everything becomes about poo. 

You go out on a baby free evening with your friends but 10 minutes in you are discussing poo over your curry including the smell, texture and size. Much to the disgust of the poor young couple who are trying to enjoy their date night across the table.

4) You have, on many occasions, gone to the toilet with your baby watching. 

Sometimes you have no choice. Sometimes when your baby is attached to you all day and you just can't hold on anymore, you stick them in a bouncer/bumbo/sling/ lap and finally let go. RELIEF.

5) You use words like poonami and jumperpoo but then you realised you are talking to your non mummy friends and they look at you like you are a freak.

When you become a mother, you take on a whole new language. Often you'll be chatting to a non mummy friend and realise you've been talking about how it took 30 minutes to clean up your baby's "poonami" they did in the jumperoo ( yes because they'll know exactly what that is....) Fun times for them.

6) Catching your baby's sick in your hands/mouth.

Sometimes it is unexpected. Sometimes you do it just to prevent a giant stain on the carpet. Either way, we've all done it at least once. I can actually say, unfortunately, I once had to catch diarrhoea in my hand. The fact I was trying to save my favourite dress is beside the point.

7) You wash with baby wipes and wear old clothes because you just can't be arsed.

Sometimes having a shower or bath is a complete luxury, especially with a newborn. Often a quick wash down with baby wipes is all you can manage. Sometimes you realise your leggings still have sick marks from yesterday on but you just don't have the energy to wash them. Don't be ashamed. You are not alone.

8) You've widened the boundaries when it comes to hygiene. Whoops.

You drop a dummy on the floor, give it a quick wipe and back to your baby. You drop a piece of toast on the floor, but you apply the 20 second rule. Don't deny it.

9) You do to your baby what you HATED being done to you as a child. 

You see a mark on your baby's face, you spit on your finger and wipe it off. And you won't stop until that damn mark gets off.

10) You've had pee, poo and purée over your bed sheets, yet you still don't change them. A baby wipes cures all and then it's good to go.

The reality of motherhood

Wednesday morning, 5am and Tilly wakes for a feed. I give her her a bottle, some cuddles and change her nappy and put her back down. She smiles at me and I know the look on her face means she doesn't want to go back to sleep. But mummy is tired. I couldn't sleep before she woke and some how I am expecting her to understand this. I put on white noise and I think she is drifting off, I feel a huge sense of relief that I may just get a little more sleep. I am oh so tired. When I'm very tired, my depression and anxiety is at it's worst it almost determines whether it is a good or bad day. But Tilly won't sleep and she cries. I pick her up and rock her and she is fine. So I put her back down and she cries. I leave her for a bit and lie wondering whether I should just give in and except that we are up for the day. But I am so tired. I don't want to play. She cries even more and I can't bear her being upset and so I pick her up. I brush her hair with my hand and stroke her cheeks, she looks like she is falling asleep. It's now 6am and I put her down, hoping to get at least another hours sleep. But Tilly doesn't want to. Why can't I just get up? The cries get even louder and bury my head under the covers and start crying. Questions running through my head, why won't she sleep? How can I do this? I feel helpless and pathetic that I struggle so much with moments like this. Her cries wake everyone up and my mum takes Tilly downstairs so I can get more sleep. She is such an amazing help. But I just want to cry, sob, scream. I feel like I'm not cut out to be a mother, I'm rubbish. I should be strong, I should be able to handle an early start. Some crying, a bit of screaming. Michael holds me close and tells me it's okay. I regroup my thoughts and after a bit more sleep, I realise that I can make it through the day. I go downstairs and I'm greeted with the biggest smile for mummy ever. We ended up having a really nice day. I put my smiles and happiness on for Tilly but really I should be doing it for myself too.

Don't get me wrong, extreme moments of stress like this don't happen that often but there is a moment in everyday where I feel a pang of self doubt and I know that must be common amongst many mothers. Truth is, parenthood is even more harder but even more amazing than I ever expected. With the extreme highs, come the extreme lows. You can have a great day followed by a shit one. You think you've cracked a great sleeping pattern and boom it all changes and your baby is screaming through the night. But then you'll have the best day. Your baby says mama, she laughs, you read books, she learns something new, she reaches for you. All things that feel you with so much love that all the hard moments get forgotten. But it is so hard because even when you have people around you (I'm incredibly lucky to have so much support) you still feel alone. You see mothers who seem have it all figured out (they probably don't) and you feel guilty for sometimes feeling selfish and wanting time to yourself. To go to the cinema or go shopping or even go to the toilet in peace! But those are the sacrifices you make. In return you get the most incredible reward. I get Tilly. But that doesn't mean I should beat myself up because sometimes I miss having no responsibilities. Sometimes I miss my sense of self because that can really get lost when you become a mother (and father). You are no longer you and in some ways, especially for the first few months of a baby's life, you are a machine. You go through the process again and again and sometimes it feels like it never gets any easier. 

As I said, parenthood is all about extreme highs and lows. Unfortunately some of us feel the lows more than others. On reflection, I don't think that makes you any less of a good mum. When I once told someone I was depressed and finding motherhood hard, the response was "It's ok you don't have to be ashamed." I personally found that quite patronising. Why would I be ashamed? So many mothers (and again please let's not forget that fathers get depression too) are too afraid to admit they are unhappy because they somehow feel like they will be judged. I wish more people could be open about how they feel and realise it's ok-motherhood is not a glossy "everything goes perfectly smooth" job. It's not like what you see in adverts. Like I said in my last post, it's ok not to be ok. 

Truth is though, you DO need to get help. Denying how you feel is what makes it so hard. Pushing it away, no! Never good. Facing how you feel is the first step, telling someone you are not coping, anyone. For me, I have found support in my family and in particular one friend, who spent days sending me videos to get me through, she would take the time to listen to my thoughts, no matter how dark. You will not get judged, you will just get better. Whether that is with the help of a support group, medication, counselling-if you are doing something to make yourself stronger then you are going in the right direction. When you do find help, you appreciate those special moments with your baby so much more. You can take pleasure in small things and not dwell so much on the hard moments. I wouldn't change my relationship with Matilda for the world, she is my life and I feel blessed on a daily basis that she is my Tilly Bear and I'm her mama. But when we have another baby, I now know (and it would be silly of me to deny it) that I may feel the same again. However, with experience comes knowledge of how to cope. So it will be easier, it already is easier. Just a note to anyone struggling but too scared to say, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You can get through this. X

It's ok...

It's ok to give up breastfeeding, when you've tried everything you possibly could to make it work.

It's ok to choose not to breastfeed, because it's just something you don't want to do.

It's ok to give your baby formula, when you see your baby is happy and healthy and you feel sane, you know you made the right choice.

It's ok to feel angry, cry, bury your head under the covers when your baby just won't sleep.

It's ok to leave them to cry when you can't cope and then pick them up and cuddle them with all your might because you feel so incredibly guilty.

It's ok to hold your baby as much as you want, you won't spoil them.

It's ok to say to your baby, "Why won't you just sleep!" Because you know you are only saying it out of pure exhaustion and emotion.

It's ok to have moments where you miss your old life, your freedom, because as soon as your baby smiles up at you, you remember it truly is all worth it.

It's ok to tell people you are "fine" when inside you feel shockingly bad.

It's ok to hate the woman at the baby group who says her little one sleeps through the night, secretly you are glad because it means you get extra cuddles.

It's ok not to enjoy motherhood sometimes and to feel frustrated when nothing you do seems right.

It's ok to tell your baby you love them, constantly, they may not understand the words but they will see it in your eyes.

It's ok to stay in for days on end because you can't face seeing other people, let alone the smug mums who seem to have it all figured out.

It's ok to let your baby see you cry. It won't damage them, you are human and some days, you just can't hold it in anymore.

It's ok to not feel that instant rush of love when your baby is born, life isn't always like how we read in books or see on TV.

It's ok to "wash" with baby wipes because you are just too tired and can't be bothered that day.

It's ok to do things your way, because you know your baby like no other.

It's ok to put on baby tv just so you can have a cup of tea and a moment's peace.

It's ok to eat chocolate at 5am because your baby has already been up an hour and you just need some damn sugar.

It's ok to lay your baby next to you in bed because selfishly you just want more cuddles and more sleep.

It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to always be happy. You love your baby more than life itself and that is all that matters. Xoxo