You know you have a toddler when....

You know you are the parent of a toddler when....

You wipe snot and sick on your sleeve and don't even blink an eyelid.

Your phone, your ipad, your TV. They no longer belong to you. Oh no, your toddler has first dibs on EVERYTHING and will not back down until it's theirs.

You pick up a phone to begin to dial a number but it takes you at least 20 seconds to realise it is a fake toy phone, because you really are that tired.

You keep a secret stash of chocolate/crisps/sweets in your bag as bribes for your toddler, when an emergency situation arises.

You find yourself singing the bing bong bing song from Peppa Pig ALL fucking day.

You find yourself discussing poo smells, texture and consistency with people on a daily basis, regardless of whether they have children or not.

You face the daily dilemma of going  to bed early because you are shattered or staying up because this really is the only opportunity you can relax and watch tv without a child trying to stick Lego up your nose.

You feel a little pleased inside when you see a toddler screaming in the supermarket and it's not your child, because on this extremely rare occasion your loved one has decided to behave.

You hate paint. Paint on hands. Paint on hair. Paint on feet. aRGH save me now.

Silence is not a good thing. Not now, not ever.

You owe your knowledge of science, art, music to children's television. Thanks Cbeebies.

You can fit a ridiculous amount of toddler essentials into one small bag. Nappies, wipes, Ella's kitchen snacks, change of clothes, a lampshade.

You will never drink a cup of tea while it's hot.

Your carpet is a maze of hidden wee, sick, milk and crayon stains. If you stick a foam square over it, no one needs to know.

Why depression is such a lonely illness....

I say this every time but I really should post on my blog more often because I love writing it. I'm the sort of person who has a head full of ideas but never gets them written, or should I say, typed up. The past few months have been a tricky rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I feel on top of the world and others, I feel like I am crashing and no one can understand how I feel.

Depression is a really lonely. I battle with the constant feelings of desperately needing support but at the same time, pushing people away because I don't want to burden them. I always feel a burden. Not everyone gets that sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am sad and that can switch quickly. Recently, someone who I thought was a friend removed me on facebook (because to me, that basically tells me you no longer want to be friends, how times have changed!) because she said she couldn't deal with my up and down status updates. Apparently it was all a bit too much. I get it. But I have people on my facebook who irritate me sometimes but I am able to sympathise that perhaps they are having a bad day and want to let off some steam.

I try not to take these things personally. But in the last year or so, some many friends have up and left leaving me feeling quite lonely. I get so angry at myself that obviously it was ME who made this happen although deep down I know that isn't true. People who I thought were life long friends stopped answering my messages and either deleted and/or blocked me from my facebook. All because I'm human and I hurt and I like to be open about how I feel. It took me a long time to realise that I didn't actually need people like this in my life. Someone unsympathic and impatient to who I am. They obviously weren't 'true' friends after all. I'm not releasing all blame from me though, it's sometimes been my fault that I have lost a friend, because I've felt it easier to stop talking rather than continue something that felt awkward.

That is why writing my blog is so wonderful. This little space on the web isn't going to judge me, like so many do, because today I feel great but tomorrow I will most likely feel like rubbish. Everyone who suffers from a mental illness would agree; we would do ANYTHING to get rid. We DON'T CHOOSE to feel this way and unlike many other illnesses, it's mostly all inside and you can be outwardly 'normal' but breaking apart inside. It's so easy to put on a facade on Facebook; the perfect life, always smiling. Unfortunately, I'm not able to keep up an act like that. I'm open and honest and if you don't like it, it's ok but make it easy on me and be kind just like I always go out of my way for others.

I feel a little bit stuck. Stuck in a section of my life where I have friends but not that 'best' friend. The one who understands everything about me and still loves me. The one who is there to support me when I'm having a great day and when I'm not. Having spoke to a lot of people though, this is common. A lot of people, like me who have a mental illness, feel lonely too. I often wish I could reach all these corners of the world where people are and draw us all together in one protective circle. But I have to understand that lots of people aren't like me. They might be depressed, anxious, stressed....but they don't want to talk about it.

Hopefully one day I won't feel like such a burden or so lonely. I will be in a circle of people where I feel safe to be me. x

Please don't give up....

It is so easy to pretend.

It is so easy to pretend we are ok but inside we feel crushed.

Crushed by the pain of never feeling complete.

Crushed by the feeling that it will never get easier.


We learn to act, we learn to smile but each smile hides a painful memory we would rather forget.

People say we are strong, we don't feel it. 

People say we are brave, we don't believe it.

People say, "look at what you've got".

What they don't know is that we feel guilty every single day for feeling how we do.

We know. We know how "lucky we are". 

If we could change it, we would in a second.

This illness isn't me. It doesn't define me.
 

But we worry, every day.

We worry you will get sick of us one day. Sick of the same old lines, the same old moans.

We lie awake petrified that one day we will be alone.

We get scared that everyone will get fed up of us.

No one knows how hard we try.

No one knows how hard it is to get out of bed each day.

We are not lazy.

We do not choose to feel this way.

We cannot "get over it". Those words break us, did you know?


No one truefully knows but me.

We wish we could turn back time.

We cling onto the hope that one day it will get easier.

It can, it will. It must, surely?

But we need you. We need you to know that we're not always okay.

We need you know that we try.

We need you to know that we would be different, if that were possible.

Please don't leave us. 

Please don't ever give up on us.

Please.

xxx