Wednesday morning, 5am and Tilly wakes for a feed. I give her her a bottle, some cuddles and change her nappy and put her back down. She smiles at me and I know the look on her face means she doesn't want to go back to sleep. But mummy is tired. I couldn't sleep before she woke and some how I am expecting her to understand this. I put on white noise and I think she is drifting off, I feel a huge sense of relief that I may just get a little more sleep. I am oh so tired. When I'm very tired, my depression and anxiety is at it's worst it almost determines whether it is a good or bad day. But Tilly won't sleep and she cries. I pick her up and rock her and she is fine. So I put her back down and she cries. I leave her for a bit and lie wondering whether I should just give in and except that we are up for the day. But I am so tired. I don't want to play. She cries even more and I can't bear her being upset and so I pick her up. I brush her hair with my hand and stroke her cheeks, she looks like she is falling asleep. It's now 6am and I put her down, hoping to get at least another hours sleep. But Tilly doesn't want to. Why can't I just get up? The cries get even louder and bury my head under the covers and start crying. Questions running through my head, why won't she sleep? How can I do this? I feel helpless and pathetic that I struggle so much with moments like this. Her cries wake everyone up and my mum takes Tilly downstairs so I can get more sleep. She is such an amazing help. But I just want to cry, sob, scream. I feel like I'm not cut out to be a mother, I'm rubbish. I should be strong, I should be able to handle an early start. Some crying, a bit of screaming. Michael holds me close and tells me it's okay. I regroup my thoughts and after a bit more sleep, I realise that I can make it through the day. I go downstairs and I'm greeted with the biggest smile for mummy ever. We ended up having a really nice day. I put my smiles and happiness on for Tilly but really I should be doing it for myself too.
Don't get me wrong, extreme moments of stress like this don't happen that often but there is a moment in everyday where I feel a pang of self doubt and I know that must be common amongst many mothers. Truth is, parenthood is even more harder but even more amazing than I ever expected. With the extreme highs, come the extreme lows. You can have a great day followed by a shit one. You think you've cracked a great sleeping pattern and boom it all changes and your baby is screaming through the night. But then you'll have the best day. Your baby says mama, she laughs, you read books, she learns something new, she reaches for you. All things that feel you with so much love that all the hard moments get forgotten. But it is so hard because even when you have people around you (I'm incredibly lucky to have so much support) you still feel alone. You see mothers who seem have it all figured out (they probably don't) and you feel guilty for sometimes feeling selfish and wanting time to yourself. To go to the cinema or go shopping or even go to the toilet in peace! But those are the sacrifices you make. In return you get the most incredible reward. I get Tilly. But that doesn't mean I should beat myself up because sometimes I miss having no responsibilities. Sometimes I miss my sense of self because that can really get lost when you become a mother (and father). You are no longer you and in some ways, especially for the first few months of a baby's life, you are a machine. You go through the process again and again and sometimes it feels like it never gets any easier.
As I said, parenthood is all about extreme highs and lows. Unfortunately some of us feel the lows more than others. On reflection, I don't think that makes you any less of a good mum. When I once told someone I was depressed and finding motherhood hard, the response was "It's ok you don't have to be ashamed." I personally found that quite patronising. Why would I be ashamed? So many mothers (and again please let's not forget that fathers get depression too) are too afraid to admit they are unhappy because they somehow feel like they will be judged. I wish more people could be open about how they feel and realise it's ok-motherhood is not a glossy "everything goes perfectly smooth" job. It's not like what you see in adverts. Like I said in my last post, it's ok not to be ok.
Truth is though, you DO need to get help. Denying how you feel is what makes it so hard. Pushing it away, no! Never good. Facing how you feel is the first step, telling someone you are not coping, anyone. For me, I have found support in my family and in particular one friend, who spent days sending me videos to get me through, she would take the time to listen to my thoughts, no matter how dark. You will not get judged, you will just get better. Whether that is with the help of a support group, medication, counselling-if you are doing something to make yourself stronger then you are going in the right direction. When you do find help, you appreciate those special moments with your baby so much more. You can take pleasure in small things and not dwell so much on the hard moments. I wouldn't change my relationship with Matilda for the world, she is my life and I feel blessed on a daily basis that she is my Tilly Bear and I'm her mama. But when we have another baby, I now know (and it would be silly of me to deny it) that I may feel the same again. However, with experience comes knowledge of how to cope. So it will be easier, it already is easier. Just a note to anyone struggling but too scared to say, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You can get through this. X
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