Why depression is such a lonely illness....

I say this every time but I really should post on my blog more often because I love writing it. I'm the sort of person who has a head full of ideas but never gets them written, or should I say, typed up. The past few months have been a tricky rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I feel on top of the world and others, I feel like I am crashing and no one can understand how I feel.

Depression is a really lonely. I battle with the constant feelings of desperately needing support but at the same time, pushing people away because I don't want to burden them. I always feel a burden. Not everyone gets that sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am sad and that can switch quickly. Recently, someone who I thought was a friend removed me on facebook (because to me, that basically tells me you no longer want to be friends, how times have changed!) because she said she couldn't deal with my up and down status updates. Apparently it was all a bit too much. I get it. But I have people on my facebook who irritate me sometimes but I am able to sympathise that perhaps they are having a bad day and want to let off some steam.

I try not to take these things personally. But in the last year or so, some many friends have up and left leaving me feeling quite lonely. I get so angry at myself that obviously it was ME who made this happen although deep down I know that isn't true. People who I thought were life long friends stopped answering my messages and either deleted and/or blocked me from my facebook. All because I'm human and I hurt and I like to be open about how I feel. It took me a long time to realise that I didn't actually need people like this in my life. Someone unsympathic and impatient to who I am. They obviously weren't 'true' friends after all. I'm not releasing all blame from me though, it's sometimes been my fault that I have lost a friend, because I've felt it easier to stop talking rather than continue something that felt awkward.

That is why writing my blog is so wonderful. This little space on the web isn't going to judge me, like so many do, because today I feel great but tomorrow I will most likely feel like rubbish. Everyone who suffers from a mental illness would agree; we would do ANYTHING to get rid. We DON'T CHOOSE to feel this way and unlike many other illnesses, it's mostly all inside and you can be outwardly 'normal' but breaking apart inside. It's so easy to put on a facade on Facebook; the perfect life, always smiling. Unfortunately, I'm not able to keep up an act like that. I'm open and honest and if you don't like it, it's ok but make it easy on me and be kind just like I always go out of my way for others.

I feel a little bit stuck. Stuck in a section of my life where I have friends but not that 'best' friend. The one who understands everything about me and still loves me. The one who is there to support me when I'm having a great day and when I'm not. Having spoke to a lot of people though, this is common. A lot of people, like me who have a mental illness, feel lonely too. I often wish I could reach all these corners of the world where people are and draw us all together in one protective circle. But I have to understand that lots of people aren't like me. They might be depressed, anxious, stressed....but they don't want to talk about it.

Hopefully one day I won't feel like such a burden or so lonely. I will be in a circle of people where I feel safe to be me. x