A day in the life of Tilly!

Well I really need to update my blog a little more don't I? The past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of birthdays and parties....and cake! Our Matilda is now a whole one year old, considered by some as a toddler (although she is still a baby to me!) and as wonderful and energetic as ever. It was also my birthday last week and I turned the grand old age of 28. It was a lovely but quiet day, just what I needed after a busy week before organising everything for Matilda!

Currently, I am what is known as a "stay at home mum" which is a term I actually hate because we certainly never just STAY AT HOME! Me and Matilda are always busy bees and whilst I am eternally grateful that currently I don't have to work and I get to be with her all day, it is a full time job and I am sure all mothers, whether they work or not, would agree. Now Matilda is older, we have established a nice routine but as you may know, routines and toddlers don't always work in unison so there is many a day where it all goes, pardon my language, tits up. You just have to adapt though-today for example, we had to wake Matilda up at 8am. Meaning she didn't want her normal morning nap at 10am because she just wasn't tired enough. In fact she didn't go off to sleep until 11.30am, which means she should wake about 1pm-a very late lunch for her and means everything we planned has to be put back! Generally though, we do have what you would call a routine and it goes a little like this.

 7.30-8am

Now Matilda has one nap a day, this means she wakes later in the morning which is absolutely fine by us! Michael sets off for work at 8.10am, so I'm normally the one to bring her downstairs but often if it has been a rough night or I'm unwell, Michael will bring her down for a bit. We have some cuddles and then come downstairs for a bit of Milkshake on Channel 5 whilst we try and awake from our drowsiness. Tilly then normally has her brekkie at 8.30am, which normally consists of a whole weetabix although recently she has taken to throwing it all on the floor-cue dashing about to make her some toast. I normally have my breakfast once she has had hers whilst she is bopping about. She normally drinks a good few ounces of water too.

9-10am

I find this is the time Tilly gets the most out of her toys, currently she is into play food and likes to mess about. She likes looking at books and often has a little bop in her jumperoo which she still loves. Normally I have lots of opportunity to play with her although sometimes this hour I am busy doing 5 things at once like preparing her lunch, washing, etc.

10am

This is generally when Tilly naps and she normally has a milk feed (sometimes earlier) of about 5-6 ounces. Currently she has half and half whole milk mixed with growing up milk although soon we will be giving her completely whole milk. She normally takes a while to go off to sleep (with white noise) although occasionallu she surprises me and goes off instantly!

10-11.30am

This is when Tilly has her one and only nap so I fit everything into this 90 minutes. I shower, wash my hair, have a cup of tea and usually get a chance to catch up on Facebook and emails etc.  Sometimes she will only nap for an hour, depending on how she slept the night before!

11.30am-12

Once Tilly has woken, she normally drinks a few more ounces of water and we watch Tweenies together whilst we have lunch! At the moment, Tilly is being very fussy with her food but generally she will have snack things like this. She also has things like hummus and pitta, which she loves. Often 50% of her food ends up on the floor although my 10 second rule often applies and it goes back on the high chair tray....

12pm

Once lunch is over, we head out to do whatever we are doing. Around half 12, Tilly has a bit more milk which she tends to drink on our walk into town. She snacks on fruity puffs or mini rice cakes while we are out-cue major crumb issues in the buggy. It varies what we do day to day but often we do things like play dates, library, swimming and sometimes there are boring days where we need to get a food shop, go to the bank and post office. Currently we are exploring what soft play is available in the area! Which is lots of fun for Tilly! 

3pm

Normally this is when we head home because Tilly gets very tired. She has another milk feed again, normally about 6-7 ounces. SOMETIMES I try her for a nap but 95% of the time if fails and we give up after 20 minutes. She then normally has a snack at half 3 of some fruit...currently she is obsessed with strawberries! This tends to perk her up until bedtime.

3.30-5pm

Daddy gets home from work about 3.45 which I am so grateful for. Normally then it is play time for Tilly, sometimes we go out in her trike, we often have cbeebies on in the background so she can see some of her favourite shows.  

5pm

5pm is dinner time and normally when she eats the most. She will have some water with her dinner and has anything from jacket potato to cheesy pie to fish, curry...! Normally she gets super tired around half 5 but also gets cuddly and sometimes we all sit and watch wabuloo together at 6pm because this means it is bedtime and we all wind down. We have a little bedtime story before we go upstairs.

6pm-6.30pm

This is Tilly's bath time, a time she loves. She plays with her little duckies and LOVES having her two little teeth brushed. Me and Michael then put her in her pjs, she has some milk but normally only 3 ounces. We say goodnight and normally she goes off to sleep straight away.

6.30-10.30pm

Michael and I are extrememly lucky in that this is normally "our" couple time where Tilly doesn't tend to wake at all. It is wonderful.

10.30-11pm

Tilly normally wakes up and she has a bit of milk. I change her because normally she wees a ton, and then we have sleepy cuddles which is my favourite part of the day-it is blissful. I could happily sit there for hours with her nestled on my shoulder.

11.30

This is when I go to bed...boring fact.

5am

Tilly normally wakes for a feed and we are trying to take this away but currently she is having none of it!!

And once Tilly wakes around 8am...we are on to a new day! It may all seem pretty easy but it really isn't. I haven't mentioned the constant tantrums, tears, not wanting to sleep, not eating...everything that comes with having a toddler ;) BUT it is still the BEST job ever.
xoxo

My first year of motherhood...

I always wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember. I dreamt about having babies with the man I love, especially a little girl I could dress in pretty pink dresses and bows. My visions came true when I gave birth to Matilda on the 16th September 2013. I felt what I can only describe as a whirlwind of emotions. I was overwhelamed, happy but confused as to why I wasn't feeling the sorts of feelings I had read about in books. Instead I looked at this beautiful tiny baby in my arms and felt scared. Scared I would drop her, scared I wouldn't cope, scared I wouldn't be a good enough mother. I'd hope I would feel better once we got home. I googled it and spoke to my midwife but all I kept hearing was "baby blues" so I just accepted that that was what it was and I got on with it. However after 3 or 4 weeks, I still felt the same. I knew I loved my beautiful little girl but why did I still cry every day? Why did I just want to lock us away and not see anyone? Painting on a smile, especially via social media is easy. It felt like everyone around me was loving motherhood and then there was me, I wasn't enjoying it one bit.

It's hard to explain to someone who has never suffered from depression before. I spoke at length with my health visitor who, upon watching how I was with Matilda, confirmed to me that she didn't think I was suffering from post natal depression. Having already suffered from depression and anxiety before she born, her birth and the whole experience of having a newborn just made it go sky high. I was turned down for counselling because of my health visitor's analysis that was bond with Matilda is so strong. Wrong, I think you'd agree as depression when having a baby is so much more than bonds or relationships, often it is just about YOU and how you deal with every day life.

After 2 or 3 months I started to realise (and this may sound strange) that I was a mum. Until then I just felt like I was floating by within a black cloud with no clue as to what was going on. Once she hit 4 months and was smiling and began to play, I found myself wanting to do things with her. I didn't need to force myself out of bed like I did in the early days. It still was tough, it STILL is tough even one year on. However something clicked, I don't know when. Tilly started calling me mama. She started sleeping better and eating better. When I wasn't with her, my heart ached because I missed her so much. I felt a love like I had never experienced before. If I could do anything, I just wish I could go back in time and tell the me from a year ago that it WILL get easier. I never believed anyone who told me that. I'd laugh to myself and say, "It won't, it's always going to be this way."

I think, once you accept that you can no longer be selfish, your emotions don't always come first and there is a small being who should always be top priority, things get a little easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I still get days when I don't enjoy being a mother. I count down the hours to Tilly's bedtime because I just desperately need a moment to breath. I think most mums feel the same, even if they don't admit it. I also realised that mums lie! The mums who say their babies sleep through the night and are perfectly happy, never cry....they are probably fibbing. You can't compare yourself to others. That is one of the biggest mistakes you can make-as long as you remember your baby, your child, loves YOU no matter what. Unconditonally-whether you suffer from depression or not. That's what always keeps me going.

This has been the hardest yet most amazing year and I'm so proud of Matilda and what she has achieved and the bright little lady she has already become in just a year. She has shown me that life is worth living, it is worth getting out of bed each day just to see that smile. Never give up xxx