You know you have a toddler when....

You know you are the parent of a toddler when....

You wipe snot and sick on your sleeve and don't even blink an eyelid.

Your phone, your ipad, your TV. They no longer belong to you. Oh no, your toddler has first dibs on EVERYTHING and will not back down until it's theirs.

You pick up a phone to begin to dial a number but it takes you at least 20 seconds to realise it is a fake toy phone, because you really are that tired.

You keep a secret stash of chocolate/crisps/sweets in your bag as bribes for your toddler, when an emergency situation arises.

You find yourself singing the bing bong bing song from Peppa Pig ALL fucking day.

You find yourself discussing poo smells, texture and consistency with people on a daily basis, regardless of whether they have children or not.

You face the daily dilemma of going  to bed early because you are shattered or staying up because this really is the only opportunity you can relax and watch tv without a child trying to stick Lego up your nose.

You feel a little pleased inside when you see a toddler screaming in the supermarket and it's not your child, because on this extremely rare occasion your loved one has decided to behave.

You hate paint. Paint on hands. Paint on hair. Paint on feet. aRGH save me now.

Silence is not a good thing. Not now, not ever.

You owe your knowledge of science, art, music to children's television. Thanks Cbeebies.

You can fit a ridiculous amount of toddler essentials into one small bag. Nappies, wipes, Ella's kitchen snacks, change of clothes, a lampshade.

You will never drink a cup of tea while it's hot.

Your carpet is a maze of hidden wee, sick, milk and crayon stains. If you stick a foam square over it, no one needs to know.