Back again.

A blog about depression...not exactly the most appealing description of a blog I admit. But that's exactly what it is, warts and all. I wish with all my heart I could sit here and say that in the 3 years since my last post, I have been healed, I have discovered a cure for how I feel, I found the light. Unfortunately I haven't done any of those things, not for want of trying. But that's real life; there are no quick fixes and there definitely is no "cure" to an illness like depression, despite what people may tell you.

The past 3 years for me have been somewhat fractured. Fratured moments and periods of time where I thought I was on my way forward, only to be knocked back again and again. It is so very tiring. It's tiring even to sit here and explain to someone how heartbreaking it is to get so far out of the darkness to only fall back to where you started. This time last year I was on a health kick; having my mind to focus on something else was a good tool and for a while it worked. But only a while. As with every fix I try, it will last a good month and if I am lucky, sometimes two before reality starts crashing down.

I often compare how I am feeling to being in a room. A room with no doors, so there is no way out. Except there is a window; a really really small window. Where I can see cracks of what could be, snippets of a happier life, taunting me as I scream out but no one heres. God, that sounds depressing as fuck but hey, imagery is good and it sounds kind of poetic, huh? I'm one of those annoying twats who will share quotes on your Facebook wall because I can relate to them. I have a large collection saved on my phone and every so often, I'll dig them out when I'm having a particularly hard day. I'm not talking the "live, laugh love" sort of quotes. I like the ones which I see and think wow, yes that's me. Not everyone gets it and that's ok.

Where am I now? Not in a good place. My mind, honestly, flits between wanting to live and wanting it to all be over The latter has always been the weaker part but it's there. And it sounds an awful, awful thing to say doesn't it? When I have a beautiful family who loves me and so seemingly, I have it "all". Which often makes it so much worse. I sometimes freak people out when I say how low I am. But it's the truth. It doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly switch and end my life. I'm not, nor would I ever do something like that. But I can see why people do. Because an exsistance with depression is more than hard. It's an every minute of the day exhausation. Not just mentally but physically too. And so many people don't get it. They don't get why you moan. They don't get the constant paranoia. The don't get the neediness, the loneliness and the raw pain of waking up each day to another hell.

I feel like I must end this blog post on some kind of positive note, because social media makes you feel like you should always show the positive happy side of you. Perfect. But this is my blog, so I will be as depressing as fuck as I like. But today I did get out of bed. I smiled. I lived. I played with my beautiful girl and lay in the arms of my caring, sweet husband. Because they are the reason I wake up every day to fight again. I take the tablet, I keep trying. Always. And that must count for something right?

You know you have a toddler when....

You know you are the parent of a toddler when....

You wipe snot and sick on your sleeve and don't even blink an eyelid.

Your phone, your ipad, your TV. They no longer belong to you. Oh no, your toddler has first dibs on EVERYTHING and will not back down until it's theirs.

You pick up a phone to begin to dial a number but it takes you at least 20 seconds to realise it is a fake toy phone, because you really are that tired.

You keep a secret stash of chocolate/crisps/sweets in your bag as bribes for your toddler, when an emergency situation arises.

You find yourself singing the bing bong bing song from Peppa Pig ALL fucking day.

You find yourself discussing poo smells, texture and consistency with people on a daily basis, regardless of whether they have children or not.

You face the daily dilemma of going  to bed early because you are shattered or staying up because this really is the only opportunity you can relax and watch tv without a child trying to stick Lego up your nose.

You feel a little pleased inside when you see a toddler screaming in the supermarket and it's not your child, because on this extremely rare occasion your loved one has decided to behave.

You hate paint. Paint on hands. Paint on hair. Paint on feet. aRGH save me now.

Silence is not a good thing. Not now, not ever.

You owe your knowledge of science, art, music to children's television. Thanks Cbeebies.

You can fit a ridiculous amount of toddler essentials into one small bag. Nappies, wipes, Ella's kitchen snacks, change of clothes, a lampshade.

You will never drink a cup of tea while it's hot.

Your carpet is a maze of hidden wee, sick, milk and crayon stains. If you stick a foam square over it, no one needs to know.

Why depression is such a lonely illness....

I say this every time but I really should post on my blog more often because I love writing it. I'm the sort of person who has a head full of ideas but never gets them written, or should I say, typed up. The past few months have been a tricky rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I feel on top of the world and others, I feel like I am crashing and no one can understand how I feel.

Depression is a really lonely. I battle with the constant feelings of desperately needing support but at the same time, pushing people away because I don't want to burden them. I always feel a burden. Not everyone gets that sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am sad and that can switch quickly. Recently, someone who I thought was a friend removed me on facebook (because to me, that basically tells me you no longer want to be friends, how times have changed!) because she said she couldn't deal with my up and down status updates. Apparently it was all a bit too much. I get it. But I have people on my facebook who irritate me sometimes but I am able to sympathise that perhaps they are having a bad day and want to let off some steam.

I try not to take these things personally. But in the last year or so, some many friends have up and left leaving me feeling quite lonely. I get so angry at myself that obviously it was ME who made this happen although deep down I know that isn't true. People who I thought were life long friends stopped answering my messages and either deleted and/or blocked me from my facebook. All because I'm human and I hurt and I like to be open about how I feel. It took me a long time to realise that I didn't actually need people like this in my life. Someone unsympathic and impatient to who I am. They obviously weren't 'true' friends after all. I'm not releasing all blame from me though, it's sometimes been my fault that I have lost a friend, because I've felt it easier to stop talking rather than continue something that felt awkward.

That is why writing my blog is so wonderful. This little space on the web isn't going to judge me, like so many do, because today I feel great but tomorrow I will most likely feel like rubbish. Everyone who suffers from a mental illness would agree; we would do ANYTHING to get rid. We DON'T CHOOSE to feel this way and unlike many other illnesses, it's mostly all inside and you can be outwardly 'normal' but breaking apart inside. It's so easy to put on a facade on Facebook; the perfect life, always smiling. Unfortunately, I'm not able to keep up an act like that. I'm open and honest and if you don't like it, it's ok but make it easy on me and be kind just like I always go out of my way for others.

I feel a little bit stuck. Stuck in a section of my life where I have friends but not that 'best' friend. The one who understands everything about me and still loves me. The one who is there to support me when I'm having a great day and when I'm not. Having spoke to a lot of people though, this is common. A lot of people, like me who have a mental illness, feel lonely too. I often wish I could reach all these corners of the world where people are and draw us all together in one protective circle. But I have to understand that lots of people aren't like me. They might be depressed, anxious, stressed....but they don't want to talk about it.

Hopefully one day I won't feel like such a burden or so lonely. I will be in a circle of people where I feel safe to be me. x

Please don't give up....

It is so easy to pretend.

It is so easy to pretend we are ok but inside we feel crushed.

Crushed by the pain of never feeling complete.

Crushed by the feeling that it will never get easier.


We learn to act, we learn to smile but each smile hides a painful memory we would rather forget.

People say we are strong, we don't feel it. 

People say we are brave, we don't believe it.

People say, "look at what you've got".

What they don't know is that we feel guilty every single day for feeling how we do.

We know. We know how "lucky we are". 

If we could change it, we would in a second.

This illness isn't me. It doesn't define me.
 

But we worry, every day.

We worry you will get sick of us one day. Sick of the same old lines, the same old moans.

We lie awake petrified that one day we will be alone.

We get scared that everyone will get fed up of us.

No one knows how hard we try.

No one knows how hard it is to get out of bed each day.

We are not lazy.

We do not choose to feel this way.

We cannot "get over it". Those words break us, did you know?


No one truefully knows but me.

We wish we could turn back time.

We cling onto the hope that one day it will get easier.

It can, it will. It must, surely?

But we need you. We need you to know that we're not always okay.

We need you know that we try.

We need you to know that we would be different, if that were possible.

Please don't leave us. 

Please don't ever give up on us.

Please.

xxx
 

My battle x

I don't update this blog as often as I like. Life has its many twists and turns and is truely an emotional rollercoaster. As is my journey of motherhood-something I have always found difficulty with and have always been honest about. Needless to say, the last few days have been so very hard. On Friday, I think I reached a point where I couldn't take anymore. You know when you just get tired? Tired of suffering. Tired of everyone thinking you are always miserable. Tired of being tired. I could slowly see friends start to get fed up with me, talking to me less and less, making me realise that I wasn't a particularly positive happy person to be friends with. My fault? No, I've finally realised. It hasn't made it any easier though.

Depression makes you think negatively, obviously. You are consumed with self doubt, no self esteem, no ability to see the positives in life even when, like in my case, there are many. I think me, and so many others, wish that it was as simple as "snapping out of it" or "getting over it". I think, for me, that is the worst advice you could EVER give to someone suffering from depression. Cruel, actually. I also wish that some others wouldn't believe we are being selfish by being depressed, merely thinking of ourselves, wallowing in self pity. It doesn't work like that. We do not CHOOSE to feel this way. We envy those who can get through the day with a real smile and not constantly feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. Of course, many many people struggle with daily life-knowing you are all in this together has often provided me with some comfort.

I respect, with all my heart, those ladies AND men who fight this illness. I also ache for those who give up, and are critcised for being selfish. I have seen in the news, so many women who have suffered from PND, take their own lives as well as their children's. The same standard newspaper quotes, "she seemed happy with life". Us with depression are pros at acting like everything is ok. Don't just assume it is...please. I wish more than anything there was a little bit more openess and honesty about post natal depression and depression in general. People are scared, why? Fear of being judged. Fear of being branded "crazy." Well, hey, guess what, we're not! I don't care who knows my story, I'm not ashamed. I think anyone who meets me and Matilda would say, we are eachother's world.

Depression+motherhood is a tricky combination. On Friday I just felt like I had had enough. I felt like nothing I could do was right. I couldn't make Tilly stop crying. I couldn't make myself stop crying. In my head, I was telling myself "Tilly deserves a much better mother, not someone who is sad all the time"-what a morbid thought to have. When you look back at these events, you know that deep down you didn't really feel this way, it was the illness talking. Not the real you. But in that moment, you get so clouded with emotion you cannot think rationally. I felt very scared. I don't want to go overboard with details, but that day reached a crisis point which made me realise it cannot go on like this. I MADE myself go to the doctors. I MADE a stand, and finally, got what I needed. 

Will it work? Who knows. But what it taught me is that I must take a day at a time. I must stop beating myself up. I am not perfect. I do some things well and others not so much. For example, I'm a great friend. I'm a loving mother. I get things wrong. I sometimes let Tilly watch the tv for a little too long because I'm perhaps struggling to cope that day. I may give her a few many chocolate buttons because I just need some peace and quiet. But I love her and she loves me. THAT, in all the haze of fear, sadness, pain....is something I can and will always be certain of.  xxx

The best and worst things about having a toddler...

Best

You can actually ask them to do something and they may actually understand you and DO IT! Wow.

Worst

Mealtimes are always stressful and involve yoghurt in (your) face, tantrums, food chucked on the floor (10 second rule).

Best

The cuddles are somehow that extra bit special because they are more rare. 

Worst

Poo. Poo created from solid food. Nuff said.

Best

Playtime becomes more fun, if you start a game of peekaboo they'll know what's going on and the giggles that follow are heartwarming.

Worst

They think that mummy wants their chewed up saliva covered food and take great delight in spitting it out and placing it in your hand/hair/ear.

Best

You can give them things like chocolate and ice cream (and share them together...) and not feel so bad. All in moderation....

Worst

You end up accidently shoplifting on more than one occasion because your little darling decided to take a packet of smarties off the shelf and stick them in your bag. Whoops-may as well eat them.

Best

The affection that your little toddler shows is beyond compare. When they're upset and you know they want YOU to comfort them, nothing feels better.

 

Worst

Trying to get them to stay still for a photo is IMPOSSIBLE. Trying to get them to lie flat to change their nappy....unheard of. Suddenly changing a nappy standing up/squatting/upside down is a new skill to add to your mummy cv. 

Best

You can actually do some amazingly fun stuff together. Swimming, messy play, bouncing on a bouncy castle. Makes you feel young again.

Worst

Every toy has THE most fucking annoying tune playing from it. They'll know if you take the batteries out and it is suddenly "broken". Oh, they'll know.

Best

They actually start to say real words and when they call you mummy, it feels wonderful. 

Worst

Your little one suddenly likes television which means you spend your entire waking day singing children's tv show theme tunes in your head. If I have to hear the theme to balamory one more time....

Best

Clothes are that bit cooler and cuter for toddlers.

Worst

Dressing a newborn....5 minutes. Dressing a toddler...at least 40 minutes. I just love spending every morning chasing Matilda around her room, half her tights on, a top she is trying to lift back off her head and a nappy hanging off her bum.

xoxo

 

Feeding a fussy toddler...

It's pretty safe to say that Matilda is taking a LONG time to grasp the concept of solids and that food should be her main source of nutrition now she is one. She is still a milk monster and the process of decreasing her milk and increasing her food intake is a difficult process but one I'm aware is pretty common so at least we are not alone! I've learnt to adapt to Matilda's likes and dislikes over the past few months (which change ridiculously quickly) and try and open her up to new foods. Generally she does fine with breakfast but is always reluctant to try anything other than weetabix. Toast gets nibbled but then thrown on the floor (another lovely toddler trait) and porridge gets thrown in my face...lovely.

Lunch is sometimes a tricky one as I'm still trying to persist with cold finger foods. I read about the idea of Bento Boxes a few months ago and thought it would be a great thing to try for Matilda when she is a bit older. Inspired by Japanese food culture, bento boxes are a way of taking a variety of foods and presenting them in a way which is more inviting to the toddler. For example, if you see the picture below, the lunchbox is divided into sections, small portions, easily picked up with the hands. Realistically NO mum has time to sit and cut out star shaped sandwiches and carefully put fruit onto kebab sticks but I still think the general concept is great, especially for a packed lunch. I really like the idea of splitting the foods into small sections because it means each little tub can be taken out individually.

Generally Matilda has lunch at home but if we are going out I will put it all in a lunchbox. It's normally a mish mash of things because she is so damn fussy! For example sometimes she likes sandwiches, sometimes she doesn't. So sometimes I just give her some cheese spread on bread finger slices and that works. She'll always have a yoghurt and whilst I agree they are sugary, she has 1 a day and no other sweet things other than fruit.

 She has taken to liking cold pasta so sometimes she will have what is left over from my dinner the night before. She would eat cheese all day long if she could! She also loves cucumber slices and whilst they have no real nutritional value, they are basically just water, I don't see why she can't have a munch on them.

As I said Matilda is fussy. She, like any toddler, likes to nibble, throw food, spit it out...it is a test of patience for any mother. Over the last few months I have learnt some strategies to try and make meal times a slightly less stressful experience. Here goes...

1) Don't sweat the small stuff

If they don't eat much IT'S OKAY! The simple fact is, they will eat when they are hungry. If they throw your food on the floor, pick it up, keep calm and keep trying. If it fails after a few tries, move on.

2) Jars and pouches are GOOD

It really annoys me when people say using ready made jars and pouches for babies/toddlers is lazy. Erm, NO! There is nothing wrong with spending a little bit to have some put by for when is needed and they are so much more practical when out and about. I think baby food is so much better than it was for our generation, with the introduction of brands like Ella's Kitchen who do their best to make everything nice, healthy and organic. Sometimes, when you've had a tough day and your baby won't eat anything you make, a pouch of Ella's Kitchen chicken pie can save the day AND your sanity.

3) Eat with your child

It's always good to eat with your child-I find when Matilda sees me eating and we make a game of it, she tries more and therefore eats more...winner!

4) Quality NOT quantity

This doesn't need much explaining but it's a statement that was told to me and will always stick in my mind. It doesn't matter if your child eats small portions (some children, like Matilda are smaller for their age and don't need as much) as long as it's good quality, nutritional stuff.

5) Don't compare, whatever you do...DON'T COMPARE!

So easy to say, so hard to do. If you see your friend's baby wolfing down a spaghetti carbonara adult size and your baby is struggling to eat a piece of a cheese sandwich, DON'T COMPARE! All little ones are different, different apetites, different sizes just like us adults.

6) Don't stress about the mess

Like what I did there? Honestly, this is a piece of advice I need to take myself. Toddlers are messy. They will get yoghurt in their hair, cheese in their ears and good knows what is their nappies (once I found 2 crisps there). They are exploring and if you restrict them by going overboard to keep everything clean, then food isn't fun. Bringing food into play is a great idea because it means they associate it with something enjoyable. So for example, me and Tilly did some 'spaghetti play' last week, literally just put out a map, plonked a bowl of wet (not hot) spaghetti and let her go wild!

So, now after all of that, I'm off to take this advice and give Matilda her lunch...wish me luck! Just remember that you are doing a fab job no matter how much your child is eating. It's so easy to feel like a failure when you've prepared an awesome dinner only for it to end up on the walls...it's a learning process for both of you, let it be fun. xxx