My first year of motherhood...

I always wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember. I dreamt about having babies with the man I love, especially a little girl I could dress in pretty pink dresses and bows. My visions came true when I gave birth to Matilda on the 16th September 2013. I felt what I can only describe as a whirlwind of emotions. I was overwhelamed, happy but confused as to why I wasn't feeling the sorts of feelings I had read about in books. Instead I looked at this beautiful tiny baby in my arms and felt scared. Scared I would drop her, scared I wouldn't cope, scared I wouldn't be a good enough mother. I'd hope I would feel better once we got home. I googled it and spoke to my midwife but all I kept hearing was "baby blues" so I just accepted that that was what it was and I got on with it. However after 3 or 4 weeks, I still felt the same. I knew I loved my beautiful little girl but why did I still cry every day? Why did I just want to lock us away and not see anyone? Painting on a smile, especially via social media is easy. It felt like everyone around me was loving motherhood and then there was me, I wasn't enjoying it one bit.

It's hard to explain to someone who has never suffered from depression before. I spoke at length with my health visitor who, upon watching how I was with Matilda, confirmed to me that she didn't think I was suffering from post natal depression. Having already suffered from depression and anxiety before she born, her birth and the whole experience of having a newborn just made it go sky high. I was turned down for counselling because of my health visitor's analysis that was bond with Matilda is so strong. Wrong, I think you'd agree as depression when having a baby is so much more than bonds or relationships, often it is just about YOU and how you deal with every day life.

After 2 or 3 months I started to realise (and this may sound strange) that I was a mum. Until then I just felt like I was floating by within a black cloud with no clue as to what was going on. Once she hit 4 months and was smiling and began to play, I found myself wanting to do things with her. I didn't need to force myself out of bed like I did in the early days. It still was tough, it STILL is tough even one year on. However something clicked, I don't know when. Tilly started calling me mama. She started sleeping better and eating better. When I wasn't with her, my heart ached because I missed her so much. I felt a love like I had never experienced before. If I could do anything, I just wish I could go back in time and tell the me from a year ago that it WILL get easier. I never believed anyone who told me that. I'd laugh to myself and say, "It won't, it's always going to be this way."

I think, once you accept that you can no longer be selfish, your emotions don't always come first and there is a small being who should always be top priority, things get a little easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I still get days when I don't enjoy being a mother. I count down the hours to Tilly's bedtime because I just desperately need a moment to breath. I think most mums feel the same, even if they don't admit it. I also realised that mums lie! The mums who say their babies sleep through the night and are perfectly happy, never cry....they are probably fibbing. You can't compare yourself to others. That is one of the biggest mistakes you can make-as long as you remember your baby, your child, loves YOU no matter what. Unconditonally-whether you suffer from depression or not. That's what always keeps me going.

This has been the hardest yet most amazing year and I'm so proud of Matilda and what she has achieved and the bright little lady she has already become in just a year. She has shown me that life is worth living, it is worth getting out of bed each day just to see that smile. Never give up xxx