I'm getting married next MONTH!

A bit more of a lighthearted post this time. I literally can't believe the time is almost here to get married to Michael and I still feel like there is so much to do and lots of small details to finalise. I'm so nervous because I feel like I'm forgetting something and the only way I can cope is to continually write lists. My mum had a great idea to write a list for something small for me to do each day and then tick it off when I've done it. If I'm honest I've pretty much planned the whole wedding myself, granted Michael has offered help here and there but he has left it mostly up to me and I'm fine with that because it's so fun (although a little stressful whilst looking after Matilda too! ) but here are my plans for this week....

Monday: Finalise and check over wedding music playlist. I need to make sure we have a good variety of music on there but also that we have our first dance song ready. This shouldn't take me long as most of the music is all ready to just go.

Tuesday: Finish favours. I keep thinking my favours are rubbish but I've left it too late to change so I need to finish putting the chocolates in bags and tieing the ribbons around them.

Wednesday: I need to sort out my eyes today, I want to wear contacts when I get married so I am going to the opticians to sort out options. In the evening I want to look at what I want to do with my hair and try out the style I want.

Thursday: Today I need to sort out what I'm putting the children's favours in and make sure they are all finished.

Friday: Today I want to think carefully about my make up and whether I need to buy any for the wedding. I'm just going for what I normally wear, some foundation, blusher, a light grey eyeshadow and mascara. I would like to try out some different lipsticks and see which I like.

Saturday: Today I want to try on my outfit again and make sure I am happy with what I am wearing. I am going to get my mum to check everything over to see if it all looks okay.

Sunday: Today I want to finalise all the food orders and send them to the pub where we are having our reception. I also want to finalise the decisions with Michael regarding our cakes (we are going for Patessierie Valerie) and also choose a cake topper for our cakes.

That's generally the last bits and bobs to do and I probably won't do all of them this week but that's the plan! I still can't believe we have done it all for under 1k! I also need to start planning for our honeymoon/first family holiday. The day after we get married we are going to the Isle of Wight for 5 days and I'm super excited! I need to have lots of lists for what to bring for Matilda as we have to pack as lightly as possible as we will also have the buggy with us. We've booked the travel and the hotels (we are staying in Sandown and Shanklin) and I want to get some holiday clothes if money allows. It's such a busy month but so much to look forward to. I also have my hen day arranged by my super wonderful mummy friends in less than 2 weeks! I have no idea what is happening (despite constant begging) and I'm so excited to meet some of them for the first time and to have a baby free, fun day just for me. Bring it on!!!! 

Xoxo

Letter to my 16 year old self...

I've always been somewhat of an emotive writer. I am also always completely honest in my blog posts, about my history of depression and how it affects the person I am today. I'm definitely not ashamed to say I have a mental illness and it's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can actually say my depression doesn't define me. I am so much more than that. Now I am a mother, I am feeling emotions I have never experienced before, with the pure love I feel for my daughter also comes the great sense of fear of something bad happening, something I am sure every parent feels. I am determined for Matilda to never have to feel the sadness and pain I felt, especially as a teenager. 

The worst time of my life was between the ages of 14-17. There is probably a reason why I can't find a single photo of myself between those ages. I was a recluse, so deeply lost and unhappy and expectant of a dismal future ahead of me. I often think back to those times and wish I could just shake my younger self into gear and tell her everything was going to get better. Now at age 27, I am finally feeling like a grown up woman. I'm somebody's mother. I will be somebody's wife. I have my career. I have friends. I wish I knew back then that it would all be ok in the end. So I wrote this letter to my 16 year old self.....

Dear Cheryl,

I know right now you are feeling like life will never get better. You feel scared, you want somebody to tell you that everything will be okay. Don't worry, I remember. You take out that razor and put it on your arm not because you want attention but because you hate the sight of yourself. You feel worthless and that is the only way to get out the pain. I know you don't have any friends, you spend your days at school hiding in the corner, hoping you don't have to speak to anyone that day. You go into the toilets at lunch and you just sit there for an hour because at least no one has to see your tears. You sit and watch, envious of the groups of girls who laugh together and meet after school to go to the cinema or shopping. You can only dream of that being you. You come home and you stare blankly at your computer screen, trapped in an online world because you can pretend to be someone else. Your dad has let you down once again and that has sent you back to when you were a child and you never had a father. You feel so unloved by him. A bunch of meaningless letters is all you have and you read them as you sit filled with so much hate and anger for the person who is meant to be there and isn't. Your mum is always there. But she is sad too and often it feels like you are against the world.

Cheryl, I wish I could tell you that everything will be okay. It isn't going to happen instantly and you have to be patient. You will make choices you may regret but you will learn. You will learn what you love to do eventually and you will go through so many hard times but when you are 19, you will realise that you want to go to university and make something of yourself. You look into a course and you enrol, this is the start of your future. Then you join a dating site (trust me here, it will be the best thing you ever did) and in the summer of 2006 you will start chatting to a man called Michael. At first you are nervous, you have never got on with anyone like this before and you don't have much experience with dates and being in a relationship. But go with it, you will end meeting the most perfect man for you. This is where your life changes and you fall in love. This man saves you. He accepts you for who you are, he dries your tears and makes you laugh. You go on holiday, he moves in, you go on dates, you share so many special times. As the years pass you realise that this is something serious. This is a once in a lifetime love and you've found the person you want to marry. 

Now I know how much you want to get married but be patient it will happen! In September 2012, whilst on holiday in Rome (you have so many amazing holidays to look forward to) Michael gets down on one knee and proposes to you with your Nan's engagement ring. You will like you are floating on air, enjoy that day, you will feel amazing. That night whilst having a celebratory dinner, you decide you want to try for a baby. I know Cheryl you've always wanted to have a child of your own, especially a daughter, so that you can have the same bond you have with your mum. You become slightly obsessed and impatient with trying but you become incredibly blessed and fall pregnant in December 2012. This is when you realise you have to do some growing up. You and Michael enjoy the pregnancy so much, going to scans, finding out you are having a girl, buying pretty little outfits. You will feel so much happiness. Monday 16th September 2013 will be the best day of your life. When your baby girl (who you call Matilda) gets placed in your arms you feel the type of love and pure bliss you have been desperate to feel your whole entire life. Whilst no one is around, you secretly whisper to Matilda, "I am going to make sure you are the happiest little girl in the world, you are never going to feel the sadness I felt, I promise sweetheart. " You kiss your baby girl as tears fall down your cheeks. You've had so many tears before Cheryl but for the first time, these are tears of joy. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. You were born to be a mother. You have a family.

Please don't give up Cheryl, it will be ok. I know you want to give up on life but don't. Hold on. You will get there, not today or tomorrow but you will have the most amazing, blessed life where you are loved for being you. You can be yourself. You can look into the future with no worries, a clear horizon. That is real happiness and you WILL feel it, I promise.

Cheryl

Starting again...

So here I am starting yet another blog. From the outset I have to say I cannot promise I will keep updating this as much as I should. However what I can promise is that I will try my damn hardest not to give up on blogging again even though now I am a busy mummy and life is about to get even more hectic! I've read so many excellent blogs recently and they've inspired me to start over again. When I last blogged I was in the very early days of motherhood and admittedly, even though on the outside I appeared happy, inside I was struggling and felt broken. I wondered why I wasn't enjoying motherhood as much as I should. I questioned myself every day; why do you keep crying? What is wrong with you? I didn't want to admit it but I was depressed. Amongst the sleepless nights and the endless cycle of feeds, colic and reflux that a newborn Matilda brought me, I never took time to truly enjoy those special moments a new baby brings.

Thankfully there is so much support out there for mums who are struggling although unfortunately it can still be something of a taboo-many too ashamed to admit they are not as happy as they should be. There is the guilt, followed by the "I'm a rubbish mum" speech that you say to yourself over and over and the reoccurring thought that it will never get easier. Truth be told, many mums who appear fine (and to be fair I was very good at putting on a front) are really breaking apart inside. I know for me, I needed a lot of encouragement that I was doing well, and when Matilda started to respond back to me, with smiles and laughs, I really started to feel more comfortable in my role as a mother.

Everything really has changed so much in a few short months. I'm still battling but I'm loving being a mother. Life has got so much easier. My daughter reaches for me, smiles for me, plays with me, laughs at me, wants me when she cries and she is developing a real sparkling personality. She naps DURING THE DAY! Sometimes for 2 hours which means mummy can have a life too. She usually sleeps during the night for more than 4 hours at a time. When she wakes, she smiles at me and the fun can begin. I've made friends, we go to soft play, we eat cake, we share stories of poo explosions only we can laugh at. When people kept telling me, "It will get easier!" I didn't believe them. It felt like it never would but it really did. Now, at 7 months old, me and Matilda have a bond that is unbreakable but is ever changing for the better. I still get low days where I don't want to get out of bed. Then I hear her make her usual silly babbling noises, in her language it probably means "Mummy, it's playtime!" and then I realise I really do have a reason to smile and get up. The love I feel is something I've never experienced before, the instinct that you would do anything for this little person, you would die for them , you would do whatever it took to make them happy. You are no longer selfish, you no longer come first, someone else is and always should be, top priority. 

As well as continuing my maternity leave ( only 4.5 months left, it has absolutely flown by), I have been a busy bee sorting out Matilda's nursery and my return to work (where I will be working mornings only) and plans for a certain day in May! Yes, next month I'm getting married, me, a wife! Michael and I have been together for nearly 8 years so really, it's felt like we've been married for a long time. However to know I will be his wife and he will be my husband will mean so much. We've struggled to create a wedding on a budget but we've done it for under £1,000 (well admittedly I've done most of the planning!) and with our special day coming up so soon, I am feeling a massive mixture of excitement, nerves and uncertainty as to how the day will go. All the plans are in place, favours made, rsvps recieved and all that is left to do now is to keep trying on my wedding dress, decide how to wear my hair and what make up to use. Oh and cake! This summer we are also moving out into our own place and looking at some flats closer to Michael's work. I would love to have a little garden for Matilda and I'm so excited for her to have her own room, I already have so many ideas on how I want to decorate her nursery (there MAY be a tiny bit of pink). So there really is so much happening in the next few months which means my blog may actually be pretty packed with posts!

For now I shall say goodbye but watch out soon for wedding posts and mummy posts and anything else that takes my fancy. Love and hugs xoxo