My battle x

I don't update this blog as often as I like. Life has its many twists and turns and is truely an emotional rollercoaster. As is my journey of motherhood-something I have always found difficulty with and have always been honest about. Needless to say, the last few days have been so very hard. On Friday, I think I reached a point where I couldn't take anymore. You know when you just get tired? Tired of suffering. Tired of everyone thinking you are always miserable. Tired of being tired. I could slowly see friends start to get fed up with me, talking to me less and less, making me realise that I wasn't a particularly positive happy person to be friends with. My fault? No, I've finally realised. It hasn't made it any easier though.

Depression makes you think negatively, obviously. You are consumed with self doubt, no self esteem, no ability to see the positives in life even when, like in my case, there are many. I think me, and so many others, wish that it was as simple as "snapping out of it" or "getting over it". I think, for me, that is the worst advice you could EVER give to someone suffering from depression. Cruel, actually. I also wish that some others wouldn't believe we are being selfish by being depressed, merely thinking of ourselves, wallowing in self pity. It doesn't work like that. We do not CHOOSE to feel this way. We envy those who can get through the day with a real smile and not constantly feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. Of course, many many people struggle with daily life-knowing you are all in this together has often provided me with some comfort.

I respect, with all my heart, those ladies AND men who fight this illness. I also ache for those who give up, and are critcised for being selfish. I have seen in the news, so many women who have suffered from PND, take their own lives as well as their children's. The same standard newspaper quotes, "she seemed happy with life". Us with depression are pros at acting like everything is ok. Don't just assume it is...please. I wish more than anything there was a little bit more openess and honesty about post natal depression and depression in general. People are scared, why? Fear of being judged. Fear of being branded "crazy." Well, hey, guess what, we're not! I don't care who knows my story, I'm not ashamed. I think anyone who meets me and Matilda would say, we are eachother's world.

Depression+motherhood is a tricky combination. On Friday I just felt like I had had enough. I felt like nothing I could do was right. I couldn't make Tilly stop crying. I couldn't make myself stop crying. In my head, I was telling myself "Tilly deserves a much better mother, not someone who is sad all the time"-what a morbid thought to have. When you look back at these events, you know that deep down you didn't really feel this way, it was the illness talking. Not the real you. But in that moment, you get so clouded with emotion you cannot think rationally. I felt very scared. I don't want to go overboard with details, but that day reached a crisis point which made me realise it cannot go on like this. I MADE myself go to the doctors. I MADE a stand, and finally, got what I needed. 

Will it work? Who knows. But what it taught me is that I must take a day at a time. I must stop beating myself up. I am not perfect. I do some things well and others not so much. For example, I'm a great friend. I'm a loving mother. I get things wrong. I sometimes let Tilly watch the tv for a little too long because I'm perhaps struggling to cope that day. I may give her a few many chocolate buttons because I just need some peace and quiet. But I love her and she loves me. THAT, in all the haze of fear, sadness, pain....is something I can and will always be certain of.  xxx