Thankfully there is so much support out there for mums who are struggling although unfortunately it can still be something of a taboo-many too ashamed to admit they are not as happy as they should be. There is the guilt, followed by the "I'm a rubbish mum" speech that you say to yourself over and over and the reoccurring thought that it will never get easier. Truth be told, many mums who appear fine (and to be fair I was very good at putting on a front) are really breaking apart inside. I know for me, I needed a lot of encouragement that I was doing well, and when Matilda started to respond back to me, with smiles and laughs, I really started to feel more comfortable in my role as a mother.
Everything really has changed so much in a few short months. I'm still battling but I'm loving being a mother. Life has got so much easier. My daughter reaches for me, smiles for me, plays with me, laughs at me, wants me when she cries and she is developing a real sparkling personality. She naps DURING THE DAY! Sometimes for 2 hours which means mummy can have a life too. She usually sleeps during the night for more than 4 hours at a time. When she wakes, she smiles at me and the fun can begin. I've made friends, we go to soft play, we eat cake, we share stories of poo explosions only we can laugh at. When people kept telling me, "It will get easier!" I didn't believe them. It felt like it never would but it really did. Now, at 7 months old, me and Matilda have a bond that is unbreakable but is ever changing for the better. I still get low days where I don't want to get out of bed. Then I hear her make her usual silly babbling noises, in her language it probably means "Mummy, it's playtime!" and then I realise I really do have a reason to smile and get up. The love I feel is something I've never experienced before, the instinct that you would do anything for this little person, you would die for them , you would do whatever it took to make them happy. You are no longer selfish, you no longer come first, someone else is and always should be, top priority.
As well as continuing my maternity leave ( only 4.5 months left, it has absolutely flown by), I have been a busy bee sorting out Matilda's nursery and my return to work (where I will be working mornings only) and plans for a certain day in May! Yes, next month I'm getting married, me, a wife! Michael and I have been together for nearly 8 years so really, it's felt like we've been married for a long time. However to know I will be his wife and he will be my husband will mean so much. We've struggled to create a wedding on a budget but we've done it for under £1,000 (well admittedly I've done most of the planning!) and with our special day coming up so soon, I am feeling a massive mixture of excitement, nerves and uncertainty as to how the day will go. All the plans are in place, favours made, rsvps recieved and all that is left to do now is to keep trying on my wedding dress, decide how to wear my hair and what make up to use. Oh and cake! This summer we are also moving out into our own place and looking at some flats closer to Michael's work. I would love to have a little garden for Matilda and I'm so excited for her to have her own room, I already have so many ideas on how I want to decorate her nursery (there MAY be a tiny bit of pink). So there really is so much happening in the next few months which means my blog may actually be pretty packed with posts!
For now I shall say goodbye but watch out soon for wedding posts and mummy posts and anything else that takes my fancy. Love and hugs xoxo
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