Letter to my 16 year old self...

I've always been somewhat of an emotive writer. I am also always completely honest in my blog posts, about my history of depression and how it affects the person I am today. I'm definitely not ashamed to say I have a mental illness and it's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can actually say my depression doesn't define me. I am so much more than that. Now I am a mother, I am feeling emotions I have never experienced before, with the pure love I feel for my daughter also comes the great sense of fear of something bad happening, something I am sure every parent feels. I am determined for Matilda to never have to feel the sadness and pain I felt, especially as a teenager. 

The worst time of my life was between the ages of 14-17. There is probably a reason why I can't find a single photo of myself between those ages. I was a recluse, so deeply lost and unhappy and expectant of a dismal future ahead of me. I often think back to those times and wish I could just shake my younger self into gear and tell her everything was going to get better. Now at age 27, I am finally feeling like a grown up woman. I'm somebody's mother. I will be somebody's wife. I have my career. I have friends. I wish I knew back then that it would all be ok in the end. So I wrote this letter to my 16 year old self.....

Dear Cheryl,

I know right now you are feeling like life will never get better. You feel scared, you want somebody to tell you that everything will be okay. Don't worry, I remember. You take out that razor and put it on your arm not because you want attention but because you hate the sight of yourself. You feel worthless and that is the only way to get out the pain. I know you don't have any friends, you spend your days at school hiding in the corner, hoping you don't have to speak to anyone that day. You go into the toilets at lunch and you just sit there for an hour because at least no one has to see your tears. You sit and watch, envious of the groups of girls who laugh together and meet after school to go to the cinema or shopping. You can only dream of that being you. You come home and you stare blankly at your computer screen, trapped in an online world because you can pretend to be someone else. Your dad has let you down once again and that has sent you back to when you were a child and you never had a father. You feel so unloved by him. A bunch of meaningless letters is all you have and you read them as you sit filled with so much hate and anger for the person who is meant to be there and isn't. Your mum is always there. But she is sad too and often it feels like you are against the world.

Cheryl, I wish I could tell you that everything will be okay. It isn't going to happen instantly and you have to be patient. You will make choices you may regret but you will learn. You will learn what you love to do eventually and you will go through so many hard times but when you are 19, you will realise that you want to go to university and make something of yourself. You look into a course and you enrol, this is the start of your future. Then you join a dating site (trust me here, it will be the best thing you ever did) and in the summer of 2006 you will start chatting to a man called Michael. At first you are nervous, you have never got on with anyone like this before and you don't have much experience with dates and being in a relationship. But go with it, you will end meeting the most perfect man for you. This is where your life changes and you fall in love. This man saves you. He accepts you for who you are, he dries your tears and makes you laugh. You go on holiday, he moves in, you go on dates, you share so many special times. As the years pass you realise that this is something serious. This is a once in a lifetime love and you've found the person you want to marry. 

Now I know how much you want to get married but be patient it will happen! In September 2012, whilst on holiday in Rome (you have so many amazing holidays to look forward to) Michael gets down on one knee and proposes to you with your Nan's engagement ring. You will like you are floating on air, enjoy that day, you will feel amazing. That night whilst having a celebratory dinner, you decide you want to try for a baby. I know Cheryl you've always wanted to have a child of your own, especially a daughter, so that you can have the same bond you have with your mum. You become slightly obsessed and impatient with trying but you become incredibly blessed and fall pregnant in December 2012. This is when you realise you have to do some growing up. You and Michael enjoy the pregnancy so much, going to scans, finding out you are having a girl, buying pretty little outfits. You will feel so much happiness. Monday 16th September 2013 will be the best day of your life. When your baby girl (who you call Matilda) gets placed in your arms you feel the type of love and pure bliss you have been desperate to feel your whole entire life. Whilst no one is around, you secretly whisper to Matilda, "I am going to make sure you are the happiest little girl in the world, you are never going to feel the sadness I felt, I promise sweetheart. " You kiss your baby girl as tears fall down your cheeks. You've had so many tears before Cheryl but for the first time, these are tears of joy. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. You were born to be a mother. You have a family.

Please don't give up Cheryl, it will be ok. I know you want to give up on life but don't. Hold on. You will get there, not today or tomorrow but you will have the most amazing, blessed life where you are loved for being you. You can be yourself. You can look into the future with no worries, a clear horizon. That is real happiness and you WILL feel it, I promise.

Cheryl